A Series of Firsts
by selfavoidingwalk
Summary: In her fleeting moments of self awareness Hinamori wonders if it's worth waking up. A series of flashbacks inspired by different visitors to her bedside, aimed towards dissecting the history between Aizen and Hinamori.
1. Kira Izuru

_A/N: I play with canon and characters...These won't be in any particular order, I just need a smaller-scale project to work on until I recover from writing Possession. Anyhow...it's comparatively lighter, but hopefully you'll enjoy this. Reviews are appreciated, and thanks for reading!_  
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**Chapter 1: Kira Izuru**

She doesn't know how long she's been asleep.

She thinks it's morning the first time she hears someone enter her room. She doesn't know who it is, but she knows who it isn't. So she stays where she is comfortable, in this place where no one can hurt her and tell her what she doesn't want to hear.

She is briefly intrigued by the familiarity of the voice, but it isn't until she hears the steadily approaching footsteps that she becomes certain of her visitor's identity. He shuffles towards her motionless figure with a sound she recalls all too well from her academy days, and she almost wants to laugh.

But everything eventually reminds her of Aizen and there is no laughter there, not when she is so close to the world that wants to hurt her and tell her what she doesn't want to hear.

She is not ready. She drifts away again.

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It used to drive her and Renji crazy, Kira dragging his feet around the room while they were trying to study.

"Oi!" Renji would yell when he finally lost what little patience he had. "Either sit the hell down, or lift your damn feet!"

"Sorry, sorry," the blonde boy would say affably. "Habit, you know."

Renji would scoff, Kira would shrug helplessly and she would placate them both with a motherly air honed through years of friendship with the two boys. They were an interesting group, a hodgepodge of personalities that meshed surprisingly well both on and off the battlefield. Renji was all strength, with a loud mouth and a big heart. Kira was all finesse, with impeccable manners and solid principles. She was subtlety personified, the darling of the group and the glue that held them together.

They had once understood each other so well. But she never understood why Kira followed Gin to the 3rd Division.

One year was all it took to drive a wedge between the previously inseparable trio, and soon she saw nothing of Kira and Renji outside of routine meetings and chance encounters. Still, she was naive enough to think that fundamentally, nothing would change.

She was Momo, and Aizen-taichou would not try to change that.

Renji was Renji, and not even Zaraki-taichou could change that.

Kira changed his hair style, he grew more aloof, his eyes hardened and his speech became coldly civil.

One year brought about irreversible changes in her friend. One year is all it took to lose Kira.

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It was not in her nature to dislike anyone, but try as she might she could not bring herself to like Kira's new captain.

Even when he was the 5th division vice-captain, something about Ichimaru's very essence troubled her normally placid soul. She was unaccustomed to such dark thoughts and sharply reprimanded herself for her instinctive feelings of distrust, for when all was said and done the man was still a captain of the Gotei 13. As such, both for Kira's sake and her own, she tried her best to overcome her negative feelings. As time passed she came very close to accomplishing her goal.

Then came the day when Ichimaru-taichou proved himself to be exactly the snake she thought he was.

She had recently been promoted to vice-captain under Aizen's watchful and encouraging gaze, and her world was every bit beautiful and full of promise. On this particular day she felt inclined to stop by to see Kira after work. She strode into the 3rd division barracks, smiling at whoever she passed. Half the people returned her gesture, answering to her reputation for having a sweet disposition. The other half nodded respectfully, in response to her reputation as a master of the demon arts. She preferred the former, but most definitely had no objections about the latter. She took great pride in her skills and in the fact that her promotion had trailed Kira's by only a few weeks. They hadn't yet had time to celebrate properly, and she hoped to remedy that situation with the small flask of sake by her side.

She bounded through the doorway of Kira's office in an effort to surprise her friend, but was instead taken off guard by the sight of Ichimaru sitting at his vice-captain's desk, absent-mindedly playing with a pen.

"Hinamori-fukutaichou," he drawled, his amusement lingering clearly in the air. "How lovely to see you." He gestured to the sake in her hands. "Is that for me?"

She bowed, flushing deeply from embarrassment and discomfort. "Ichimaru-taichou," she said, trying and failing to keep the surprise out of her voice. "Sorry, I was looking for Kira-fukutaichou. I'll be leaving now."

She set the bottle down on a nearby bookshelf and turned to exit the room when a sudden flash of white crossed her line of vision. She looked up to see Ichimaru blocking her way, smiling enigmatically and scratching his head in bemusement. "No need for the hurry, eh?" he said deliberately, taking a step towards her.

His spiritual pressure rose to an uncomfortable level, and it didn't occur to her that she was backing away until she felt her back up against the side wall. As she murmured a hasty apology and tried to move past him, Ichimaru grabbed her wrists and held them at her side, illiciting an involuntary gasp of pain. He smiled as she struggled and implored him with tears in her eyes to stop. He leaned forward, and she felt like she was about to pass out when a sudden movement at the door caught her attention.

Never before had she been so glad to see Kira.

"What do you want, Izuru?" asked Ichimaru calmly without releasing her.

Her eyes pleaded withKira as he surveyed the scene before him and placed a hand on the hilt of his zanpaktou.

Ichimaru spoke again, his tone playful but a clearly audible threat hidden in the simple words. "Izuru? Is there a problem?"

Conflict was clearly written on Kira's expression, and she watched in muted horror as he finally dropped his hands to his side, averted his eyes and turned away. "Sorry, Ichimaru-taichou," he said, his voice hollow and emotionless. "I didn't know you were here."

Never before had she been so disappointed by anyone.

Ichimaru straightened up in response to his vice-captain's captiulation, his facial expressions completely unchanged. "No matter," he said nonchalantly. She watched, helpless and frozen to the spot, as the 3rd division captain brushed a stray hair off of her face in a lingering gesture. "Good night, Hinamori-chan," he whispered into her ear before backing away slowly and exiting into the hallway. As Kira followed his captain out of the room without a backward glance, she felt something in her heart constrict.

It was the first time she realized how much it hurt to be betrayed.

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To this day she remains uncertain as to how she made her way back to the 5th division. What she does remember is stumbling into her quarters, making sure no one was around, then falling to the ground while crying uncontrollably. She was a vice-captain and carried herself in manner befitting her high rank while in public - but in private, she was the same Hinamori Momo who cared too much, felt too deeply, and woke in a cold sweat almost every night.

She cried until her collar was soaked with her tears, until her throat was raw from the ragged breaths she drew, until her eyes were puffy and her shoulders hurt from the awkward position in which she lay. She cried for being unable to defend herself, for being unable to forsee and avoid the situation. She cried for Kira and the person that she thought he was, for the person that he used to be.

The sound of a throat clearing caused her to sit up suddenly, and it was the first and only time that she was not glad to see her captain's silhouette outside her door.

"Hinamori-kun," came Aizen's voice through the darkness. "May I enter?"

She quickly wiped the tears off of her face and tried to compose herself as best she could, responding with an "Ah!" of acknowledgement and opening the door with all the calm she could muster. She took several steps backwards and knelt respectfully, directing her gaze to the floor and praying that he would not notice that she had been crying.

He stepped inside her room, closed the door behind him, and knelt in front of her. She looked up out of habit, realized her mistake and promptly looked again. The avoidance proved to be ineffective, and she heard Aizen sigh in response to her behavior.

"Hinamori-kun," he said calmly. "I have come to remind you or your duties as a vice-captain."

She blinked. "What do you mean, Aizen-taichou?" she asked quietly.

He smiled soothingly. "Your first and most important duty is to trust me."

When she did not respond, he sighed again and explained gently, "I saw you when you were on your way back to the 5th division."

Her figure tensed noticeably at his words, and when she adamantly maintained her silence he decided to push onwards. "Hinamori..." he said firmly. "What were you running from? What's bothering you? Why won't you tell me?"

She was a mess of conflicting emotions, but the same instinct that warned her about Ichimaru was now telling her that Aizen could be trusted completely. A floodgate opened in her mind as she remembered everything that had just happened, and in that split second she cared nothing about what anyone thought of her.

"I don't like Ichimaru-taichou!" she blurted out, immediately clamping a hand over her mouth afterwards. She looked away, fearful of her captain's reaction.

A strange sound came from in front of her, and it took several seconds for her to realize that Aizen was laughing.

His shoulders shook with silent mirth, and in that moment he had never looked more handsome. She thought about how much she admired her captain, and was immediately reminded of Kira and his own captain. Tears flowed freely down her face, and she was too consumed with grief and anger to care that her captain was sitting only a few meters in front of her.

He seemed to realize that there was more to the story and immediately ceased his laughter, instead placing a comforting hand on her head and murmuring something understanding.

She never saw his reaction as she found herself telling him everything, her voice full of shame and regret. In doing so she found herself willing to accept the consequences of her self-described stupidity and weakness, her trust in her captain absolute even to the point of accepting what she considered to be her inevitable dismissal.

She had barely finished her story when she felt him pull her forward and into his arms. He held her as she sobbed, and stayed with her until she fell into a fitful slumber. When she woke up in the morning, she found his cloak draped protectively over her shoulders and a glass of water by her bedside.

It was the first time she realized how it felt to be in love.

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She eventually forgave Kira and as such, took special care in ensuring that neither Renji nor Hitsugaya heard about the incident. Her encounter with Ichimaru haunted her dreams and led her to wander the grounds of Seiretei two days afterwards, in an attempt to make something of her sleepless night. She shielded her reiatsu so as to ensure her privacy, and was passing by an out of the way alley between the 3rd and 4th division when she caught the tail end of a conversation between Aizen and Ichimaru.

"...mine. Do not think to touch her again," she heard Aizen say, his voice unusually cold.

Seconds later Ichimaru came striding out into the walkway, and as he passed she caught a glimpse of his red eyes glaring into hers. She gulped and was secretly relieved when the 3rd division captain used shunpo and disappeared swiftly from her sight. As Aizen approached her from behind and escorted her back to her room, pretending that nothing had happened, she was filled with a warmth that she had never previously known.

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She chooses to leave the epilogue and subsequent analysis out of her recollection. She cares not that Aizen watched her closely in the days following, concerned about how much of the conversation she had overhead. That his concern was alleviated only after a prettily wrapped box of his favorite tea leaves materialized on his desk with a handwritten thank you note tucked neatly underneath the ribbon. That he laughed to himself as he sipped the tea and thought about how one silly event had allowed them to simultaneously test Kira's loyalty and secure her own.

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Again she is brought close to the surface as the voice known as Kira begs her to remember how they were in their academy days, implores her to awake, tells her that he cares about her, begs her to take his word that he never wanted to hurt her. His fine words are useless. She will not leave her captain's side for the word of a known traitor.

So she stays in this place where no one can hurt her and tell her what she doesn't want to hear, and as Kira walks away she ignores the apology latent in the sound of his shuffling feet.

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	2. Abarai Renji

**Chapter 2: Abarai Renji**

Shades of red barge unceremoniously into her mind, and she is forced out of her dreams by the shear force with which the colors bombard her consciousness.

Aizen once told her that although all Shinigami had red reiatsu, he associated a different color with everyone in the Gotei 13. Timidly she had asked him for her color, and blushed furiously when he smiled and answered that she was purple - endless like the night, graceful like royalty and delicate like the tint of her hair.

The more she thought about it the more she liked the idea, and so she spent much of the next week assigning colors to people she knew. By far the easiest to pinpoint was Renji, who was red through and through - a crimson color to match his hair and the fire that burned behind his eyes when he was passionate about something. Or someone. Like Kuchiki Rukia.

It is not an ordinary red that floods her now, but a frenzied, vital, pulsing color that relentlessly pulls her towards the world she is not prepared to reenter. When she finally floats away to a safer location she realizes that it was the exact color that she once picked out for Renji. Trapped inside her mind she looks around curiously for any remnants of the color, but is only moderately disappointed when she finds none. She drifts away again.

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Renji never shared her enthusiasm for Aizen-taichou.

"He's nice, sure," he said with a dismissive wave in response to her line of questioning.

She frowned into her cup of sake.

"And really powerful," he offered.

Her frown remained.

"Gah!" he said, opening his mouth wide with frustration and putting his feet up on a nearby table. "What do you want from me!"

She shrugged, and silence fell between them. It was the first time that they found themselves at a loss for words while in each other's company.

"Oi, Hinamori." She looked up to see a serious expression on Renji's face, one he reserved for the rare moments when he let his genuine concern shine through his macho facade.

"Yes, Abarai-kun?" she asked, eyes wide with curiousity.

"Do you...like...Aizen?"

She choked on her drink, surprised at the directness of his inquiry, and proceeded to cough uncontrollably. He patted her heavily on the back and was about to repeat the gesture when she waved him off hurriedly.

"Don't hit so hard! Are you trying to kill me?" she gasped, fanning her face with a nearby coaster. When she finally caught her breath and her cheeks returned to their normal color, she drew back and asked suspiciously, "What are you asking that type of question for?"

He relaxed and leaned back casually, but his tone remained serious. "You're brooding," he commented with no trace of mockery in his tone.

"Am not!" came her indignant reply.

"You're talking about him a lot."

"Am not!"

"You blush every time he talks to you."

"Do not!"

Her denials were clearly getting to him, and his face contorted with exasperation as he sat up and pointed an accusing finger into her face. "You're blushing now!"

"Am not!" she exclaimed, smacking his hand away and crossing her arms over her chest.

"You're avoiding the question!"

She fumed quietly in her seat, but Renji was not about to let her get away so easily. "Do you like..."

"Yes!" she exclaimed heatedly, a look of panic settling about her features as soon as the word was spoken.

Renji immediately drew back, and she tried to hide behind her cup by raising it in front of her face.

"Ah," was all he said in response. He leaned over, tipped her drink into her mouth and promptly refilled her cup to the brim. The rest of the night was spent in relative silence.

It was the first and only time she openly admitted to anyone that she had a crush on her captain.

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As a seated officer, she cried when Renji was transferred to the eleventh division.

Aizen seemed to forsee the pain that the separation would cause them, and had taken both her and Kira aside late one night to tell them of the impending transfer before the annoucement was made official.

"It'll be a good opportunity for him," he said reassuringly to his two subordinates. "Abarai-kun is a genius, and his physical prowess can shine through under Zaraki-taichou more than it ever could have here in the 5th. It's for his own good."

Kira had nodded his acquiescence, obedient and accepting as always. "Thank you for looking out for us, Aizen-taichou," he said politely, bowing and taking his leave.

She bowed respectfully and smiled at her captain, but could not force words of thanks out of her mouth. She would not lie about how much Renji's transfer affected her, and she had turned to exit the room when the sound of his voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Hinamori-kun," he said calmly. "May I have a word with you?"

She nodded wordlessly, and he led her outside into a moonlight walkway, guiding her path with a hand resting gently against her elbow.

It was the first time that he touched her in a way other than a pat on the head.

A calm wind caused her hair to flow gently to one side, and she distractedly tied it up into a loose ponytail. She did not notice as he evaluated the fluid motions of her hands out of the corner of his eye. The night was peaceful, the silence tangible, and in the end it was Aizen who spoke first.

"You're sad, Hinamori-kun," he observed gently. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head quickly in denial. "No, Aizen-taichou," she answered quietly. "I know you're doing what is best for Abarai-kun, and for the 5th division." She bowed her head slightly. "Please forgive my earlier rudeness. Abarai-kun is a good friend of mine, and I'm loathe to see him go. That is all. I..."

She looked up and met his eyes with her own wide with sincerity. "...I would never question your judgement, Aizen-taichou."

He smiled warmly in response. "It's hard sometimes, Hinamori-kun," he said wistfully. "Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is truly correct. I have in my hands control of so many lives. But one acts based on what they believe, and there is no true measure except the judgement that will come when all has already come to pass."

She took in these words, astonished both by the depth of their meaning and Aizen's heartfelt delivery. His gaze was fixed on an indeterminate point off in the distance, and she found herself intoxicated by the openness with which this great man spoke to her. She had nothing to offer in response, but he seemed to require none. They stood in the moonlight for another hour before Aizen noticed her stifle an involuntary yawn, and insisted on walking her home.

It was the first of many times that Aizen sought her out for midnight conversations about personal matters. He seemed to find her company reassuring, and she in turn was given insight into the character and inner workings of the man that she admired so very much.

She recalls all this but doesn't stop to think whether perhaps Aizen had been more honest with her than she had realized at the time. The double meaning of his words becomes apparent only after acknowledging everything that happened to bring her to where she is today, and that is not something she is willing to do.

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As a vice-captain, she cried when Renji was lying on the ground after his fight with the orange-haired ryoka, broken and bleeding red as powerful as the color she considered his. As they stood over the severely injured third of their trio, she and Kira came closer to a true reconciliation than they had in years.

Then Kuchiki-taichou had come in demanding that Renji, her Renji, be arrested and held without medical attention. Declaring that Renji, her Renji, was useless. She had always stood up for what she believed in and moved to defend her friend when Kira stepped in and stopped her.

She watched with an all too familiar feeling of disappointment as Kira bowed an apology to the 6th division captain. She felt weak as she finally forced herself to follow suit. She felt sick when Kira told her to follow orders, while Renji lay there in front of them.

Then Ichimaru had come with his words of hollow comfort and taken Kira away, and it was the first time and only time she had been glad to see Kira's taichou.

"All for Kuchiki Rukia," she whispered to herself when everything had been taken care of and she was finally alone. She didn't know how to feel about her friend's willingness to throw away everything that he was and had, his life and his friends, for a girl that she herself barely knew. She bowed her head and willed the tears to stop. "All for one person."

"Not surprisingly, all for one person," came a familiar voice.

Surprised, she spun rapidly on her heel to see Aizen standing immediately behind her, his brow knitted with concern as he took in her dishevelled appearance. He fumbled through his pockets for a handkerchief and gently wiped away a smudge on her cheek.

"Everyone has someone they are willing to protect with their lives, if need be," he said, his eyes looking directly into hers.

She shivered despite herself, and he removed his scarf and draped it over her shoulders in response.

"Aizen-taichou," she whispered. "I..."

"I know," he said quietly, placing an arm around her shoulders and turning her towards the 5th division barracks. When he didn't offer anything further, she closed her eyes and willed the floor to open up and swallow her whole. As they reached the courtyard, she bowed and was about to take her leave when she felt herself pulled into a quick, fleeting embrace.

"Me too," she heard him whisper before disappearing in the direction of his quarters.

It was the first time she cried tears of happiness.

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It had taken her no more than a few minutes to decide that red suited Renji best, but finding a color for Aizen had consumed her thoughts for several nights. She eventually settled on silver, because it was beautiful without the gaudiness of gold, strong without the dullness of lead, and bright enough to cut through the depths of any darkness.

She remembers only how pleased Aizen had been when she shared her discovery with him, how he had begged for an explanation, how she blushed as she gave it and how he had thanked her for her kind words with a sparkle in his eyes. She doesn't think about how well silver truly suits him, his entire being a reflective surface that distorts reality and blinds its viewers.

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Nothing is said, but she feels Renji's reiatsu swirling around her, wishing and urging her to return to them, to grab hold of the strings and climb out of her slumber. His soul pressure is strong but she is blinded by memories of sorrow and comfort, and when she looks around she sees only silver mirrors and no trace of red anywhere.

It is immaterial. She will not leave her captain's side for someone for whom she has shed so many tears.

So she stays hidden away from the world she is not prepared to reenter, and as he walks away she ignores the fire that burns behind his eyes for her, mirrored clearly in the swirling color of his reiatsu.


	3. Matsumoto Rangiku

**Chapter 3: Matsumoto Rangiku**

She remembers how much she loved the feel of sun on her bare skin and thinks she has somehow found her way outside, the only explanation she has for the sudden disappearance of the chill in the room where she lays.

She eventually discerns what she thinks is a hand resting on hers, imparting the same gentle warmth that she now feels all around her. The contact brings about the sudden realization that it is the presence of another, rather than a change in her location, that has briefly drawn her out from the recesses of her mind. The aura is comforting and lulls her into a sense of security as her visitor's hands move to her head, painstakingly careful in their motions as they wash and comb her long neglected hair. She imagines the patience that the intricate task must take and the grace with which those soft hands must be moving. Warmth, patience and grace are qualities she has always associated with one person above everybody else, qualities visible in everything the 10th division vice-captain was and did.

Matsumoto it must be, she decided, and her suspicion is confirmed when she feels the smooth, cool petals of a dried flower pressed into her hand, pleading with their tactile subtlety for her to wake and come home.

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Almost exactly one year after her promotion to vice-captain, Aizen came to her room on her day off and asked her to join him for the afternoon. She agreed eagerly and followed as he led the way, delighted beyond words when she found herself in front of a sunflower field in the outskirts of the Rukongai. She stared open-mouthed at the sea of glorious yellow, and was startled out of her trance only when Aizen moved to stand just close enough that their arms were barely touching.

When she asked him why he had chosen to come to this place, he merely smiled and answered, "I like it here." When she asked him why he had chosen to bring her with him, he looked off into the distance and added, "I thought you'd like it here, too."

She had always loved the outdoors, but it was the first time she realized that her captain's smile could bring more warmth than the sun itself.

It was a rare occurence to see Aizen so completely at ease, and as he allowed himself to relax she found it increasingly difficult to take her eyes off of him. It seemed almost too idyllic, this scene, him and her and the gorgeous scenery in front of them. As if reading her mind, he offered a hand to her and gestured towards the field. "Such moments are few and far in between, Hinamori-kun," he said. Hesitantly she placed his hand in his, and he smiled as he led her through the flowers. "There's a nice spot underneath that tree over there, where we can sit and truly drink in the beauty around us."

The afternoon was spent between moments of pleasant conversation and comfortable silence. The weather was perfect, and hours later they were both asleep, Hinamori's head on his shoulder and his back against the tree.

It was the first time that she fell asleep while laying next to her captain.

She panicked when she woke to find herself in that position, and pulled away so quickly that Aizen awoke with a violent start, his hand instinctively flying to where his sword would have been. They looked at each other and she instantly dissolved into laughter, apologizing between desperate gasps for air. He looked on, amused, as she finally settled down and leaned back on her elbows with a happy look on her face.

She does not know, nor would she care if she did, that Aizen was awake the entire time.

It came time to leave, and when Aizen suggested that she pick a few sunflowers for herself and for her friends, she was so obviously delighted by the idea that he could not stop himself from laughing goodnaturedly at her enthusiasm.

Of course the first one she picked was for Aizen, and the smile on his face as she shyly offered it up to him kept her on the verge of giddiness for the rest of the week.

She picked one for Renji because it would both embarrass and please him. She picked one for Kira because it seemed like the right thing to do. She picked one for Hitsugaya because he was becoming such a boy and he needed some color in his life. She picked one for Matsumoto because it matched her hair and her bright smile.

It was almost nightfall when she returned to Seiretei, and as soon as Aizen took his leave she immediately headed out to the various divisions to distribute her gifts. The reactions of her friends were not at all different from what she had anticipated.

"Hinamori!" exclaimed Renji, jumping up and pointing an accusing finger at the offending yellow flower lying gently on a stack of his paperwork. "You can't be serious."

She had merely walked away with a casual wave, pretending to hear neither his comment about girls, silliness and the useless nature of flowers, nor the stream of swear words that followed her departure. She waited 5 minutes and peeked around his doorframe to see Renji holding the flower up for inspection, a hesitant but distinct look of happiness on his face. She rolled her eyes. Boys could be so stupid.

Kira had thanked her and bowed politely, and she had smiled in response.

Hitsugaya had let out a long suffering sigh but did not object as she puttered about his office, looking for a vase to put the flower in. He had known her much to long to think that anything he said would stop her on this particular mission. "At least you didn't try to pin it on Hyourinmaru," he commented gruffly. Then quietly, when Matsumoto was distracted, "Thanks."

Matsumoto had immediately attached the flower to the scarf she wore about her neck, inspecting the result in a nearby mirror and nodding in approval. "It's beautiful, Hinamori," she said gratefully. "You're so sweet. Thank you." She turned to a bored looking Hitsugaya and twirled dramatically. "What you think, taichou?"

She grinned and bid the two good-night, and as she exited the room she heard Hitsugaya say with a kind of grudging admiration, "You look good, I guess. Now get your lazy ass to work."

As she walked home, pleased from the success of her gift-giving venture, a nagging voice in the back of head noted that in all the years that they had known each other Hitsugaya had never once complimented her like that.

It was the first time that she had ever questioned her own physical appearance.

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She was surprised when she heard that Ichimaru and Matsumoto were childhood friends, and was even more surprised by the hushed whispers claiming that indeed, they were childhood sweethearts. She shared her new-found knowledge with her captain during one particular late night paperwork review.

"I didn't know you had such an ear for gossip, Hinamori-kun," Aizen chided her gently.

She flushed red. "I didn't mean any disrespect to either Ichimaru-taichou or Matsumoto-san," she said quickly. "It was just something that came up after the vice-captain's meeting, and I was surprised, and you said that I could tell you anything..."

Her panic evaporated quickly when Aizen smiled. "And you can," he said, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "I just didn't expect that it would have spread to so many people."

Her mouth opened slightly at his words. "So it's true?" she breathed.

"Ichimaru-taichou once saved Matsumoto-fukutaichou's life, when they were little and living in Rukongai. They became very close, and a bond like that does not fade away. That is the extent of what I know."

She digested this information and held it against her own experience, trying and failing to find some evidence that would support the 3rd division captain's capacity for such kindness. "Hmm," she said, after intense consideration. "Matsumoto is a very special person, after all. She's kind, intelligent, strong..."

"She is also very beautiful," commented Aizen placidly without looking up from his work. Despite the complete lack of interest in his tone and although he obviously meant it only as a factual observation, she felt her heart sink as a result of his words.

It was the first time that she ever wished that she was someone else.

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She does not stop to consider the possibility that Aizen deliberately planted seeds of jealousy and insecurity, nor does it occur to her that just as admiration is the greatest barrier to understanding another, insecurity is the greatest barrier to understanding yourself.

It is perhaps the reason why she cannot understand why she is in this place now, and understands nothing except her own confusion and her love for her captain.

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She picked out a dark purple yukata especially for the event, and felt a brief pang of disappointment when she acknowledged to herself that absolutely no one would notice how nicely it offset the color of her hair.

It was Hitsugaya's unofficial birthday celebration, and she soon found herself in the tenth division common room standing between an obviously intoxicated Renji and an obviously disapproving Nanao. The scene before her was nothing new - Hitsugaya amusing himself by freezing Kyoraku's sake, Kira passed out on the couch, and Ukitake fawning over the birthday boy like an obsessive and doting father.

Even less surprising was the large group of men surrouding Matsumoto, who was downing shots like water and singing something about Hitsugaya, a duck and wizard. Through the crowd she could make out a few familiar faces - Hisagi, for example - and every male Shinigami in that group was fixated on each movement and word uttered by the cheerful and slightly inebriated tenth division vice-captain.

She looked down at Renji's unresponsive figure slumped over in a chair and felt an overwhelming urge to kick him as revenge for the general insensitivity of his entire gender.

"Quite the party," came an amused voice from beside her.

She looked up to see Aizen smiling down at her. "Aizen-taichou!" she said in a surprised greeting. "I thought you were busy tonight?"

"Yes, but I wouldn't miss the opportunity to wish Hitsugaya-taichou a happy birthday." He surveyed the rowdy group of people in the middle of the room and raised an eyebrow. "His vice-captain is getting quite a lot of attention, is she not?"

"Well, as you yourself once said, she is very beautiful," she answered, with a rare trace of bitterness in her tone. She frowned gently to herself. "It's no wonder that everyone looks to her."

Aizen turned his eyes to observe his vice-captain, and watched as she blushed involuntarily under the intensity of his scrutiny. "You look lovely tonight, Hinamori-kun," he said finally, his tone full of sincere admiration.

Thinking his words to be nothing more than attempt to make her feel better, she merely shrugged and gave Aizen a polite smile in response. As if he could sense that she didn't believe him, he leaned towards her and whispered conspiratorially, "And in my opinion, much lovelier than even Matsumoto-fukutaichou herself." She stared as he smiled and added, "As always."

She stood, frozen to the spot as he straightened up and placed his hand on her shoulder. "I'll be going now," he said. "I gave my regards to Hitsugaya-taichou on my way in." A rare, mischievous expression flitted across his handsome features. "Don't stay up too late."

She nodded, still speechless from his earlier words, but as he turned away she managed to force her mouth open.

"Uh..."

Aizen turned around and looked at her inquiringly.

"May I walk you back to your room, Aizen-taichou?"

He seemed surprised by her offer, but rewarded her with a kindly smile and a nod. "Of course, Hinamori-kun. Shall we go?"

It was the first time she realized that the only opinion that mattered to her was that of her captain.

------------------------------------------------

Although she acknowledges that the warmth is still there, by her side and all around, she no longer feels anything of it when she remembers the chill of her self-doubt and the only person who ever drove it away.

She will not leave her captain's side, because Aizen is the one thing she has that Matsumoto does not.

So she stays in this place where she can remain certain of herself, and as Matsumoto walks away, she chooses to ignore how strongly she is pulled by the reminder of their friendship latent in the lingering warmth and in the feel of sunflower petals on her skin.


	4. Hisagi Shuuhei

**Chapter 4: Hisagi Shuuhei**

She has always been good at sensing other people's emotions, and her slumber has neither robbed her of her ability nor dulled her skill with its application. Waves of sorrow, guilt and anger bear down relentlessly on her consciousness now, and she is as equally drawn to it as she is compelled to shrink away.

Aizen once speculated that it was her natural gift of empathy that made her the first in her class to speak to her zanpakutou. She demurred modestly, citing luck and circumstance as the only reasons. Her heart stopped briefly as a rare frown flitted across his face and he told her never to second guess the skills that set her apart from the others. When she apologized hastily, he rewarded her with a smile and an approving pat on the head.

She does not think about why he encouraged her to place such unwavering faith in her ability to read others.

The sadness that surrounds her is a familiar one, and though she recognizes its owner, she does not know why he has come. It is not until she feels strong hands tie a silk ribbon around Tobiume that she realizes Renji has asked Shuuhei to come on his behalf. Renji is the only one, barring Aizen himself, who knows how deep her connection with her zanpakutou truly is.

Her fellow vice-captain sighs and pulls up a chair, and when she hears a stifled sob she thinks that maybe Shuuhei has come, not only for Renji, but for himself as well. His sorrow resonates with her, but for her to consider the reason why is to acknowledge a truth that she is not prepared to face.

His pain is tangible and unsettles her greatly, so she drifts out of range and observes from a distance.

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From the very first time she laid eyes Shuuhei, she saw past the smiles and laughter straight to the sadness at the core of his being. Although interested to see whether or not her companions had noticed it as well, it wasn't until their lunch period that she finally got a chance to bring it up.

Renji was late, as usual, and it was only her and Kira in their habitual meeting place when she finally broached the topic.

"Hisagi-san? Sad? Why would you say that?" he asked, looking around him anxiously to ensure that their senpai was nowhere in the vicinity.

After a moment's consideration, she shrugged and answered, "I just know." Seeing Kira raise a skeptical eyebrow, she crossed her arms defensively and frowned. "I'm not saying he's a manic depressive, or anything like that," she explained. "But...Hisagi-san, he is no stranger to sorrow. It's something he carries with him, all the time."

Her tone was serious now, and Kira never knew what to make of his companion when she had that pensive look about her. He settled for silence and poked distractedly at his lunch, before musing aloud, ""He's a legend, though."

She laughed, causing Kira to look up in surprise. "Even if he was, would that make him immune to sadness?" she said, a smile dancing on her lips.

"That's not what I meant!" said Kira hastily. "It's just that he's intelligent, talented, popular..." He trailed off and thought for a moment before adding, "And attractive, no?"

"Ah," she said, her smile widening mischievously. "Quite."

He shook his chopsticks at her in solemn disapproval, and sighed. "I don't know what to say," he said. "His life seems so perfect. I hardly know what he would be sad about."

It was the first time she realized that Kira had, at best, a tenuous understanding of those around him.

"It's probably something further from the surface," she said gently. "There's more to a person than their skills and accomplishments, you know." She paused as she considered how best to frame her thoughts. "Sometimes it's as simple as wanting something, or wanting to discover what you want."

Kira looked doubtful. "He's been guaranteed a spot in the Gotei 13. What more could he want?"

She sighed and became strangely still, moving her gaze away from her companion to stare at the clouds that floated by overhead. Kira, confused by the entire exchange, deemed it best to let the subject drop and opted for silence as the safest course of action. Luckily for them both, Renji chose that moment to burst onto the scene with a convoluted story about a turtle he found on his way to class, and their discussion was lost in the boisterous flurry of words that followed.

Although she laughed and argued with her friends as lunch ended and they made their way to class, her mind wandered back to the disappointing conversation she had just shared with Kira. With one of her closest friends. With someone who ostensibly knew and understood her well.

It was the first time she realized that Shuuhei, in his sadness that was hidden from the world, was perhaps something of a kindred spirit.

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If Shuuhei had been a legend when she first saw him, he was even more of a legend after the incident at the training grounds was made public.

She heard girls chitter to each other as they passed by her in the hallways. "He's so brave!" exclaimed one. "The scar makes him even more attractive than before," avowed another. And much to her chagrin, her female classmates bombarded her with variations of, "Hinamori! You know Hisagi-san? You're so lucky! Can you introduce me?"

They had indeed become close, the upperclassman and her group of three, for together they had looked into the face of evil, come to face to face with the harsh truth of their mortality, and barely escaped the clutches of death. The more time they spent together, the more she became convinced of the accuracy of her initial reading.

Renji and Kira envied Shuuhei for his celebrity and mourned his graduation, forcing him to promise with a mouthful of sake that he would still go drinking with them, though his time would be taken up with hollows, paperwork and fangirls. She watched him closely for some semblance of a reaction, but though he smiled and took the compliments and jokes with grace and good humor, she knew that fame, status and admiration meant virtually nothing to him. When she asked Shuuhei later why he was really joining the Gotei 13, he shrugged and answered cryptically, "To find a purpose." She found something strangely reminiscent about his words, and spent a significant amount of time reflecting on them.

It was the first and only time that she questioned whether joining the Gotei 13 would truly yield the fulfillment that both she and Shuuhei so desperately sought.

Then came the day when the newly graduated Shuuhei invited the trio to watch a training demonstration held by the 9th division. They accepted with gratitude and great excitement, proclaiming Shuuhei their newest hero and each buying him a round of drinks as a gesture of thanks. As she walked into the 9th division grounds, nervously fingering her special visitor's pass with one hand and smoothing her uniform with the other, she discovered to her surprise that she could not sense Shuuhei anywhere in the vicinity. Confused, she resorted to visually scanning the congregated shinigami for her friend, but her redoubled efforts were met with no more success.

It wasn't until Renji elbowed her with more enthusiasm than required that she noticed Shuuhei standing almost immediately in front of them, animatedly speaking to a tall, dark-skinned man in a captain's uniform.

"Tousen Kaname, Captain of the 9th division," muttered the ever-knowledgable Kira into her ear, but she had eyes for Shuuhei alone. The change in the young man was a drastic one, and when he finally saw them standing awkwardly in the sidelines and gestured for them to approach, she noticed a liveliness in his mannerisms that she had never seen before. His bearing was that of a man who lived a life of meaning, and as he introduced them to his captain she thought to herself that he had never sounded more happy or more proud.

It was the first time that she saw Shuuhei without a trace of the sadness that she had always considered a part of him.

--------------------------------------------

When the annoucement was made that she would be joining the 5th division of the Gotei 13 under Aizen Sousuke, both her underclassmen and peers alike were generous with their praise.

"We knew you could do it, Hinamori-san!" they exclaimed. "You are, after all, the kidou-master of our year!"

She smiled, laughed, and enjoyed all the celebrations that were thrown in her honor, but she often found herself merely going through the motions. When the crowds drifted apart and her friends went home, the emptiness would return and she would feel lost again. She wondered about the future, the uncertainty and what changes time would bring. Although an optimist, she knew in the rational part of her mind that her world could not always be this stable, she could not always be this happy, and that entry into the Gotei 13 was the first step in a wave of changes that would sweep across her life.

Her mind followed this familiar path even weeks later, as she stood on the balcony of the 5th division common room in an attempt to recover from the frantic pace of the festivities within. Renji and the 4th seat were going shot for shot at the bar, while Kira proved himself unable to outdrink even the lowest seated officer and was wandering the room aimlessly with a glazed expression on his face. She smiled fondly as she looked out into the night with a distant expression, and was so caught up in her thoughts that she did not notice the balcony door open and a figure step outside to join her.

"Your friends don't notice your sorrow," came quiet words, gently breaking the silence of the night.

It was the first time that Aizen spoke to her after her admittance into the 5th division.

She recognized the voice immediately and turned around in a panic. "Aizen-taichou!" she gasped. "I..."

He smiled warmly. "You are Hinamori Momo, yes?" he asked.

She nodded wordlessly, her mind still reeling from shock.

"Welcome to the 5th division," he said, his smile broadening when an unrelated cheer from inside the room broke into their conversation. "We're not normally so rowdy," he added wryly.

She smiled despite herself, and Aizen nodded in approval. "Much better," he stated solemnly. "Your smile gives me hope - maybe you're not too depressed about having to serve under me after all."

Her expression morphed rapidly from shock to sheer panic as she shook her head vehemently. "I was just...," she began. Closing her eyes, she did not see his eyes twinkle with amusement as she continued, "I was thinking, and..." She glanced at him, her eyes imploring. "I'm sorry," she finished lamely, bowing her head and fixing her eyes firmly on the floor.

She looked up only when she felt a large, warm hand on her head. "I'm just kidding, Hinamori-kun," he said in a kind tone, and she smiled up at him in relief and gratitude. He turned to survey the grounds below and distractedly ran a hand through his hair, and never before would she have thought it possible to be so comfortable with someone she barely knew.

"So, Hinamori-kun," he prodded gently, "Why so pensive? You're young, with many challenges and opportunities lying in front of you. You have so much to look forward to, no?"

She was about to agree politely when she caught a glimpse of his countenance, and promptly realized that her captain was not the type who sought superficial agreement, but rather, expected honest and sincere responses from his subordinates.

It was the first time she discovered that Aizen never asked a question without a reason.

"It's not that simple," she answered slowly, darting a nervous glance in his direction. "There's...a lot to think about."

He seemed pleased by her answer. "Ah, yes," he said, clearing his throat and looked away. "I thought there was something familiar about your sadness that called to me."

She stared at him, her eyes wide with a mixture of surprise and apprehension. "Familiar?" she asked hesitantly. "What do you mean, Aizen-taichou?"

"It is only the fool that does not think of his future," he said seriously. Then, with a smile that made her heart skip a beat, he added, "But it is just as foolish to preoccupy oneself with thoughts of the future, if it means you can't appreciate the present."

It was the first time that anyone had managed to so accurately hone in on the source of her sadness.

He leaned down with a friendly smile. "Live your life, Hinamori-kun, hmm?" he said encouragingly. "Don't worry too much. I, for one, think you will go on to do great things."

It was the first time that anyone had successfully chipped away at the uncertainty and doubt that weighed down her heart.

A loud crash from somewhere inside was followed by a collective groan, and after stifling a laugh and schooling his countenance into his usual dignified bearing, Aizen opened the door and gestured for her to follow.

She does not remember that Aizen never truly answered her question, nor would she attribute any importance to it if she did.

--------------------------------------------

It was during the fireworks display a few weeks ago when she first noticed that Shuuhei was quickly withdrawing into himself, behaviour that she hadn't seen from him since their academy days. He sat on the grass, staring blankly at the flashing lights in front of him, and she smiled in an attempt to cover up the frightening familiarity of his sadness.

"Hi, Hisagi-san!" she said, waving cheerfully and leaning in towards him. Startled, he turned around and nodded a hasty greeting to both her and Matsumoto, who was clinging onto her arm in a failed attempt at sobriety.

"Ah," he said awkwardly. "Hinamori-kun...Matsumoto-san...how are you?"

As she answered good-naturedly and carried on a comfortable conversation with her friends, she carefully inspected Shuuhei's expressions in the hopes of uncovering the source of his reborn sadness. Her diligence was rewarded when a flicker of an unidentifiable emotion crossed his face at the mention of his captain's name, and she was suddenly reminded of a rumor that she heard from the 4th division officer responsible for cleaning Yamamoto's toilet.

"Tousen is young yet - if we wish to groom Shuuhei for captainship, we should transfer him to another division where he would have greater exposure to responsibility," the shinigami intoned in an eerily accurate impersonation of the captain commander. "To the thirteenth, under Ukitake, perhaps."

Hinamori had thought nothing of it except as a piece of gossip, but watching her friend she realized that there may have been truth to the rumor after all.

It was the first time she understood that Tousen-taichou had been the first to give Shuuhei a sense of purpose and how fragile Shuuhei's respite from sadness truly was.

When she finally found herself alone and able to think without interruption, she decided on a strategy and resolved to speak to Renji first thing the next morning. Her heart was torn by concern for Shuuhei as she turned around and saw a familiar figure standing on the balcony of a nearby building.

White sleeves and the reflected glint of moonlight signalled to her and she waved back, praying that his eyesight wasn't good enough to discern her blush at such a distance. Aizen made his way down the stairs as she walked towards him, and they met halfway in the courtyard of the 5th division barracks.

"Were you at the fireworks display?" he asked, tucking his hands into his sleeves.

"Yes, Aizen-taichou," she answered politely. "With Hisagi-fukutaichou and Matsumoto-fukutaichou."

He nodded. "I managed to catch some of it from where I was standing. Quite impressive." He smiled, and added, "It must have been nice to catch up with your friends. You've been working so hard lately, I was beginning to worry that I'd tire you out."

She laughed. "I love working for you, Aizen-taichou," she said without thinking. When she noticed his eyes crinkle in amusement, she hastily added, "I mean, I love my job, so the work isn't an issue..." She fidgeted nervously and finished, "But yes, it was very nice to see everyone again."

"And everyone is in good spirits, I presume?" he asked. Her face darkened a little at his words, and his eyes narrowed with concern. "What's the matter, Hinamori-kun?"

She sighed and bit her lip. "Hisagi-fukutaichou...he was upset. But I don't know why."

Much to her surprise, Aizen smiled understandingly in response. "Hisagi-fukutaichou is currently facing a difficult decision," he said calmly. "Everyone has a gap in their hearts that can only be filled by one thing. Most people spend their lives in search of that one thing, or throw it away before they even realize that they found it. If you're lucky, you'll be absolutely certain of what one thing is, and the goal becomes to never lose it."

His words reminded her of the conversation she had with Kira so many years ago, and when she looked up at her captain it was with awe at how well he understood the people around him. In that instant, she wished with all her heart that she knew what Aizen's one thing was, so that she might dedicate her life to making his wish come true.

It was the first time she realized how deep the parallel between herself and Shuuhei truly was.

Aizen seemed to notice some change in her demeanor, and looked at her inquiringly. "Is something wrong, Hinamori-kun?" he asked solicitously.

"No, Aizen-taichou," she answered carefully. "It's just...your words, they made something clear to me, that's all."

He smiled. "Do you have your one thing, Hinamori-kun?" he asked, as if reading her mind. "You are still young, but if you are as in tune with your own feelings as you are with those of others, then surely you must know what one thing fills the emptiness within you and makes you happy?"

She nodded, her eyes filled with emotion. He looked away.

"That's good," he said softly. She glanced up at Aizen and thought she saw a sadness there, but when he looked down at her and smiled, she decided that she had merely imagined it.

They stood there in a comfortable silence, bathed in the pale moonlight and surrounded by the soothing whispers of the wind through the trees. She lost track of how much time passed before the spell was finally broken by her captain's voice.

"Why are you afraid of the dark?" Aizen asked quietly. "Is it because it reminds you of the emptiness you used to feel?" Caught offguard by his question, she silently opened and closed her mouth as all words and coherent thought fled her mind. He smiled. "Allow me to share a secret with you, Hinamori-kun." He leaned forward and whispered, "I used to be afraid, too. But now that you're always by my side, darkness no longer has a hold on me."

She stared at him, wide-eyed and blushing a furious crimson, as he turned and began to walk back to his quarters. He paused, and turned back to face her.

"Coming, Hinamori-kun?" he asked, his demeanor and expression completely returned to normal.

She blinked, shocked back into reality by the routine nature of his question. "Hai!" she exclaimed, falling into step beside her captain. She stole an occasional sideways glance at him, and he in turn pretended not to notice.

It was the first time that she allowed herself to hope that Aizen could fall in love with her, and that she could become the one thing that sustained his happiness.

She does not think about the true reason why Aizen was interested in Shuuhei and his relationship with Tousen, nor does she acknowledge the terrible nature of the one thing that Aizen truly desires.

--------------------------------------------

There is a broken man sitting by her side, and every ounce of compassion in her being aches to comfort him. She wants to reach out and tell him that he is strong and will survive, that his honor is intact, that he will find his true purpose if he only stays true to himself.

But for her to acknowledge the link between them is to acknowledge the commonality in their recent experience, and she will not leave her captain's side at the behest of someone who should know better than anyone else the impossibility of deserting one's sole purpose for existing.

So she remains silent, and though her heart breaks a little from the weight of his sorrow, she chooses to ignore how strongly his pain continues to resonates with her even long after he has left the room.


	5. Unohana Retsu

_A/N: Thank you so much for your kind reviews - don't know how much I deserve them, but they're appreciated nonetheless :)_

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**Chapter 5: Unohana Retsu**

She has felt this countless times before, a fleeting moment of weightlessness followed by the gentle brush of cool fabric against her skin. The sensation is usually comforting in its domesticity, bringing to mind freshly laid bedsheets - a pristine white against the stark utilitarian decor of the room in which she lays - but today, she finds that the familiarity is beginning to frighten her.

It is the first time that she wants to know how long she's been asleep.

She hears a series of soft whispers that she doesn't fully comprehend, but somewhere among the words insinuating themselves into her consciousness is a promise that someone is coming to make things clear. She cannot, nor does she try, to explain the knowledge that she is not expected to wake just yet. There is a gentle strength and certainty in the calming tones of the speaker by her side, and she finds herself inclined to hover close to the surface.

An unprecedented stability settles upon her where she is, and as she ponders her discovery she discerns a quiet energy that has supported her for as long as she has slumbered. Unohana-taichou, she realizes in quick flash of consciousness, and is amazed by how long it has taken her to recognize the older woman's consistent presence. They have never been close, but she has always respected and sought to emulate Unohana's caring and understanding nature. Despite her reticence in acknowledging the world above, she finds herself overwhelmed with gratitude for the kindness and attention shown to her by the fourth division captain.

Angry hisses fly at her from the corners of her mind and accuse her of disloyalty towards Aizen, and she finds herself torn between feelings that she secretly thinks should not be at variance with each other. A sharp pang shoots through her heart as she defends herself against her unseen accusers, and her trust in Unohana is easily superceded by her love for her captain.

It is with the utmost confidence that she stays by her captain's side, but she cannot stop herself from straining to hear the words that the older woman speaks.

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She first spoke to Unohana-taichou during a recruitment mission for the Female Shinigami's Association. As soon as the resolution was passed, Isane declared that a conflict of interest made her ineligible to participate. Every other member promptly followed suit, citing a wide variety of reasons and pre-existing conditions. As a recently inducted member she did not understand the lack of enthusiasm demonstrated by her peers, and promptly volunteered herself for the job. As Yachiru hugged her happily and declared that they would have great fun working together, she idly wondered why Matsumoto was clutching her stomach and shaking uncontrollably.

The next morning, all was made clear.

"Uno-chan!" screamed her pink-haired companion, sprinting up the fourth division walkway and knocking over several unsuspecting shinigami in the process. She stopped a foot away from the building proper, threw her head back and in a tone best described as shrill, again yelled out, "UNO-CHAN!"

Amazed by the sheer magnitude of noise emitted from the small figure in front of her, she trailed slightly behind, her facial expression a comical mix of shock, embarrassment and amusement.

Several seconds after Yachiru's voice ceased to resonate along the division walls, Unohana stepped lightly onto the balcony of the building, her expression serene. "Good morning, Kusajishi-fukutaichou, Hinamori-fukutaichou," she said, calmly sipping from a cup of tea as if Yachiru's behavior were the most natural thing in the world. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

It was the first time she realized that it took a lot to rattle Unohana-taichou.

Somewhat relieved, she took the initiative and started their planned spiel. "Unohana-taichou, she began formally. "We were hoping that..."

The words that followed were hopelessly drowned out as Yachiru jumped in front of her, waving her small arms around frantically and flashing a million watt smile. "We want you to come play with us!" she exclaimed.

Unohana raised a delicately arched eyebrow.

In an attempt to salvage something of their efforts, she timidly peeked around Yachiru and interjected, "Unohana-taichou, would you do us the honor of joining the Female Shinigami's Association?"

A smile of understanding graced Unohana's features. "Oh, I see," she said. "I'm afraid that I don't generally involve myself with politics." Surveying the crestfallen expression on the younger women's faces, she added gently, "I would be happy to help out on an informal basis, though."

There was something intangible in Unohana's mannerisms and speech that she found soothing, and she found her shyness inexplicably driven away. "That would be wonderful!" she said gratefully, her eyes shining with unrestrained excitement. "We could learn so much from you, Unohana-taichou."

From beside her, Yachiru cheered in agreement.

The older woman smiled modestly. "I'm sure that Soi-fong-taichou is a great source of guidance as well. Regardless, you are always welcome to stop by, or even to hold your meetings here. I will attend whenever I have the time."

"Hai!" the two vice-captains said in unison. "Thank you, Unohana-taichou!"

Unohana raised a hand in friendly acknowledgement as they took their leave. The older woman's poise, approachability and quiet strength left a profound impression, and she found herself instinctively drawn to the kindness radiated by the fourth division captain.

It was the first time that she found a role model in someone other than Aizen.

They were halfway down the walkway when she noticed that Yachiru had fallen strangely silent. "Are you disappointed, Kusajishi-san?" she asked gently. "She didn't say yes, but she did say she'd come out whenever she could. And she's right - if we need a captain's advice, Soi-fong-taichou will be of great help."

"But Soi sauce-chan is no fun," pouted Yachiru loudly, and she thought she heard Unohana choke on her tea from a distance away. A loaded moment of silence passed between them, and a manic grin began to spread over the little vice-captain's face. Her disappointment quickly forgotten , she skipped quickly down the path and tore around the bend, singing at the top of her lungs for the 'slowpoke' fifth-division vice-captain to follow.

Shrugging helplessly, she smiled to herself and broke into a sprint, turning the corner and barrelling headlong into a large obstacle.

"Ow!" she exclaimed with more enthusiasm than was perhaps required.

"Hinamori-kun," came a surprised voice from above her. She looked up to see Aizen rubbing his shoulder ruefully, a hint of a smile on his face. Panic washed over her as realization worked its way into her consciousness, and she stared up at her captain in shock. He took note of her dumbfounded expression and frowned slightly. "Are you okay?" he asked, reaching a hand out in concern.

Yachiru flopped down on the ground between them and proceeded to laugh hysterically.

She pulled back hastily and bowed. "Yes, of course," she said, clearly flustered. "I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going, I didn't mean to..." She glanced furtively up at Aizen in an attempt to gauge whether he was upset.

Observing their exchange with great interest from her vantage point on the floor, Yachiru's eyes slowly lit up with understanding. "I know that look!" she exclaimed happily. "I do that whenever I'm afraid that I've made Ken-chan mad!" She paused, and then declared in a tone of complete certainty, "You must love Glasses-san like I love Ken-chan!"

Her mortification now complete, all she could do was stare at the ground dumbly and pray that her burning ears did not give away the extent of her discomfort.

Surprised by the lack of response from either party, Yachiru moved forward to get a closer look at blushing vice-captain. "Or maybe it's different," she mused aloud, her eyes turned upwards in intense thought. She spun on her heel and turned to Aizen, her smile wide and her eyes full of unbridled curiousity. "What do you think, Glasses-san?"

Aizen coughed, but was saved from a reply by the sudden appearance of an imposing figure from a nearby alleyway.

It was the first and only time that she was glad to see Zaraki-taichou.

"At least she called you something-san," Kenpachi said gruffly as he approached, the subject matter of the conversation completely escaping his notice. "That's as respectful as I'll let her be." He squinted off into the distance, waving his hand distractedly at Yachiru. "Oi, brat," he said. "Get up."

A flash of pink and Yachiru readily complied, latching herself comfortably onto her captain's back. "Bye bye, Momomomomo..." she yelled as Kenpachi took off in the general direction of the eleventh division. "We'll talk later, ne?"

Yachiru's voice gradually faded off into the distance, and she slowly worked up the courage to look up at Aizen. When she saw that he was not upset in the slightest, her knees grew weak and for a brief moment she thought she would pass out from relief.

"Zaraki-taichou must have his hands full with his vice-captain," Aizen joked good-naturedly, tucking his hands into the opposite sleeves of his haori.

She gave him a shy smile and allowed herself to relax slightly. "I'm sorry I ran into you, Aizen-taichou," she offered, fidgeting nervously as she stood in place. "I...hope I didn't hurt you."

His shoulders gave a gentle shrug. "It was quite the ineffective attack," he laughed, and her heart lightened to see his eyes crinkle into the friendly expression that suited him best. She grinned sheepishly, and he smiled solicitously in response.

He gestured towards the nearby buildings. "Why were you at the fourth division?" he asked curiously.

She explained the purpose and subsequent implementation of their mission, and his smile broadened. "I can only imagine Unohana-taichou's expression when Kusajishi-fukutaichou called her Uno-chan," he said, chuckling to himself.

Emphatically, she shook her head. "She was very nice," she said enthusiastically. "She wasn't offended at all, and she was really friendly and easy to talk to." When he didn't answer, she continued, "She even said that she would be willing to offer us guidance and help out whenever she could!"

His anecdotes always portrayed Unohana-taichou in a most positive light, and she was surprised when Aizen did not respond in kind. "That's nice," he replied simply, and although his voice sounded no different, she caught a brief glimpse of his expression as he turned away.

It was the first time she had ever seen Aizen's smile look forced.

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The next time she spoke to Unohana, she was so sleep deprived that she could barely walk.

It took some coaxing and a large quantity of alcohol to get the whole story out of Renji, and several years passed before she was finally able to form a coherent picture of what had truly transpired. Kira had apparently been the first to notice the dark circles forming under her eyes. It was no secret that she was prone to nightmares, so he initially thought nothing of it, but as the days passed and her condition worsened, he decided that he could no longer stand idly by.

When Kira stopped by the sixth division to voice his concerns about her health, Renji poked him hard between his shoulder blades and told him to stop spreading stupid rumors about his betters. When Kira insisted that he was being serious, Renji frowned and solemnly informed his friend that not everyone was a weak little pansy ass like the wimps in the third division. After another half hour of banter and insults, Renji threw his hands up in frustration and reluctantly agreed to go with Kira to check on her. After an hour of searching they found her staring blankly at training dummy, her hands clenched around Tobiume in a death grip and her arms shaking with unnoticed fatigue. A glance of mutual understanding passed between them before Renji stepped out and yelled out a deliberately obnoxious greeting, startling her out of her trance-like state. One look at the haunted expression in her eyes sealed the deal.

After an afternoon of reconnaissance work, they met up outside her room to compare notes.

"No one in the fifth division has noticed anything wrong with her," sighed Kira worriedly. "And I'm out of ideas for who else to ask." He narrowed his eyes when he saw Renji's expression change. "What?"

Renji crossed his arms. "We could read her diary. She writes in that thing every night."

"What?" exclaimed Kira, his tone one of moral outrage. "That's invasion of privacy!" Pausing for a moment of thought, he added emphatically, "And more importantly, she would kill us!"

"It's for her own good," Renji argued, pointing an accusing finger into his friend's pallid face. "Stop thinking about death and think about Hinamori, you stupid pansy!"

With those words, residual guilt from his previous actions and the unspoken threat of a thrashing from Renji hanging over his head, Kira promptly found himself searching through Hinamori's belongings for the diary in question. The item was finally located in a hiding place underneath the floorboards, and it was a testament to her mental state that she had forgotten to protect it with a spell.

"There's probably some good stuff in here," mused Renji, casually flipping through the pages. "Remember graduation night?"

Kira snatched the book from his hands. "Concentrate, you barbarian!"

The bickering stopped suddenly when they found what they were looking for. The last entry was dated almost three weeks ago, and looked strangely out of place next to her usually impeccable penmanship. The words were scrawled haphazardly across the page, sentences crossed out all at once and rewritten in place, and an eerie silence settled over the two young men as the text revealed to them the reason for her behavior.

During her last solo mission, the hollow had transformed itself into a white-haired little boy with green eyes. It had screamed out in pain and begged her to save him as it swatted helplessly at the blade that pierced its face. It had called her by name as she landed the killing blow.

She hadn't slept since.

An hour later Renji and Kira were both at the 4th division, speaking to Unohana in confidence. Neither one of them wanted to raise the issue with Aizen-taichou, afraid that it would negatively affect his impression of her ability to function as the new vice-captain of the fifth division. They both knew that, more than anything, the loss of Aizen's approval would break her already fragile spirit.

She had always prided herself on taking care of her friends, cleaning Renji's room when he wasn't paying attention, dutifully bringing Kira meals when he was too swamped with work to remember to eat. When she finally learned of their actions, it was the first time she realized that all the while they were taking care of her as well.

The next morning brought summons from the fourth division.

"Are you feeling quite well, Hinamori-fukutaichou?" Unohana asked, nothing but formal professionalism in her tone.

She nodded obediently. "Quite well," she hedged.

It was the first time she realized that Unohana could look skeptical.

"Indeed," said the older woman after a brief pause, her gentle smile unaltered in the slightest.

She was fully aware that she was a terrible liar, never having been able to hide the sharp stab of guilt deep within her soul. She took a deep breath and hoped that Unohana would simply drop the issue.

Unohana sighed, and she felt a warm hand enclose hers. "Hinamori-fukutaichou," she said, her tone solemn. "A healer cannot heal unless there is a bond of trust between them and the patient." Calm blue eyes looked directly into hers. "I want to help you," she said sincerely. "But I can do nothing unless you let me."

She found herself put at ease by the genuine quality of Unohana's tone and the unspoken assurance that she would not be judged. She had kept her troubles to herself for far too long, and when she finally admitted aloud that she was having nightmares and wasn't sleeping at night, it was as though a great weight had been lifted from her heart.

Unohana listened quietly, betraying no emotion except an occasional flash of concern in her eyes. "I see," she said matter-of-factly. "I have some herbal teas that should help you sleep at night, but the best cure is to voice your fears aloud." She got up and began to make neat packages of materials that she brought down from the shelves around her. "It always helps to have someone you can speak to in confidence, someone you trust - it's hard to face your problems alone, but they are easily chased away if someone stands by your side," she continued.

She blinked, and Unohana smiled gently. "If you so wish, my door is always open, Hinamori-fukutaichou," she said sincerely.

It was the first time that she felt this level of gratitude towards anyone other than Aizen.

It was late afternoon when she strode out of the fourth division main building with a bounce in her step and renewed enthusiasm for life.

"Hinamori-kun?"

She knew he was behind her before his words even reached her ears, flinching involuntarily and steeling herself as she turned around. "Ah, good afternoon, Aizen-taichou," she answered respectfully, her face flushed red with embarrassment.

He looked puzzled, moving his gaze back and forth between the package in her hand and the fourth division buildings behind them. "Is everything alright?" he asked, his tone one of the utmost concern.

She nodded. "Yes, I...uh..." He looked inquiringly at her and she sighed, admitting with reluctance, "I haven't been sleeping well." She looked up guiltily, and added, "For a while."

He frowned.

Hastily she sought to explain herself. "It wasn't anything really important," she said quickly. "Unohana-taichou just told me to drink some teas." She indicated the package in her hand, and when he still did not respond, she bowed deeply and finished, "I promise, Aizen-taichou, that it hasn't been affecting my performance as your vice-captain."

She was surprised when he shook his head slowly. "That's not what I'm concerned about."

"Aizen-taichou?" she said hesitantly.

A moment of silence passed between them, and just when she thought that she would suffocate from the tension in the air, he spoke. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked quietly. He sounded genuinely upset, and she felt her spirits sink when she realized that she had somehow disappointed her captain.

"I'm sorry," she said, feeling the tears begin to well up in her eyes. "I didn't want to bother you with something so trivial...it just came up during my checkup, and Unohana-taichou was so kind..."

He sighed and his eyes looked deep into hers, his expression serious. "So you felt comfortable speaking to Unohana-taichou, but not to me?" he questioned.

Though it was quickly dismissed, the traitorous throught crossed her mind that Aizen sounded jealous.

She shook her head vehemently in denial. "It's not like that," she said lamely, her eyes pleading with him to understand.

He said nothing, and she thought her heart would break from the weight of his silence. "I'm so sorry, Aizen-taichou," she whispered. "You've done so much for me, and I..." She bit down on her lip and willed herself not to cry.

"No," he said finally. "I'm sorry." His eyes met hers and he smiled resignedly. "I've failed you as a captain."

She shook her head emphatically. "No, it's not that!" she exclaimed, not stopping to check the words that came from her mouth. "You're the best captain that anyone could hope for! That's why..." She glanced at Aizen before whispering brokenly, "That's why I didn't want you to think any less of me." There was no point in holding back now, and so she stood with her captain in the middle of Seiretei, in broad daylight, in plain view of the entire Gotei 13, with her head bowed and tears streaming freely down her face.

Placing the blame squarely on her own shoulders, she didn't realize then, nor does she acknowledge now, that it was the first time that Aizen made her cry.

Her tears did not stop even when Aizen placed a gentle hand on her head and made a comforting comment. He looked around and sighed, noticing that they were beginning to attract unwanted attention, and in a sudden flash of motion she found herself in his arms, flying past rooftops and spires before landing gently on the walkway outside of Aizen's room.

She blinked in surprise, and it was with some reluctance that she stepped away from him.

"Would you like to come in and talk?" he asked, his eyes having resumed their normal gentleness.

Wordlessly she nodded, and he led her inside and guided her towards a comfortable looking seat beside his desk. He gestured for her to sit and she complied.

"Whatever happened, it must have been very bad for you to cry like this," he murmured, draping a blanket over her shoulders and sitting down in front of her. He turned her face towards him and smiled compassionately. "Will you allow me to share your burden, Hinamori-kun?" he asked quietly. "Will you let me stand by your side?"

She stared up at him, gratitude shining through the tears in her eyes, and nodded. Aizen listened sympathetically as she finally voiced her experiences and fears aloud, and she found herself awed by how he was willing to take the time to listen to her problems, to offer words of comfort, and by how much her trust seemed to matter to him. She held nothing back, and in so doing she told Aizen things that she had never admitted openly to anyone before.

It was the first time she told anyone of her connection to Hitsugaya.

"Hitsugaya-taichou is lucky," he mused, when her narrative finally ended. She seemed confused by these words, and he elaborated, "You must care for his well-being very much, for this have to affected you so strongly." He looked away, a peculiar look on his face. "But you know, Hinamori-kun, if you don't have anything you're afraid of losing, then you have nothing at all."

She sighed. "Aizen-taichou," she said. He turned his gaze back to her, and she bowed her head apologetically. "I'm sorry that I'm so weak."

He shook his head. "No, you're not." he said firmly. "Anyone who is not occasionally overwhelmed by this job is either not taking it seriously enough, or does not understand its depth. It is truly rare to have a subordinate so young, who understands so much." A mischievous expression flitted across his features. "I guess it's only fitting to say that you're the best vice-captain anyone could hope for."

She blushed a furious crimson when she recalled her earlier words, but could not stop a smile from spreading across her face. "Thank you, Aizen-taichou," she said, the expression in her eyes clearly echoing the sentiment of her words. "For everything. I can't thank you enough."

He smiled in response, and when he spoke again his tone was free of reproach. "You know, if you ever have anything on your mind, you should feel free to talk to me about it." His eyes locked onto hers, and she heard his next words resonate deep in her soul. "You can always lean on me, Hinamori-kun," he said. "Whenever you need me, I'll be here."

She nodded, her eyes full of unvoiced emotions, and he rewarded her with a brilliant smile. They talked well into the night, and before she knew it she was curled up on Aizen's mattress with a blanket over her shoulders and the sunlight dancing gently upon her skin. By her pillow was a note in Aizen's writing informing her that she was excused for the day and should get some sleep.

It was the first time in weeks that her body was rested and her mind at ease.

She remains grateful to this day for Unohana's help, but remembers only that Aizen took away the need to seek assistance from the other captain. It is no simple task to fully describe why it was so important to Aizen that she be dependent on him alone, but the issue never arises as she never stops to reflect upon it.

-------------------------------------------

The irony of the situation eludes her, for while she acknowledges Unohana's part in trying to wake her now, she does not acknowledge her captain's part in bringing her to where she is today. It is still comfortable where she stays, and she thinks that she can almost catch a whiff of herbs and medicines, scents that remind of a time when the fourth division captain's teas were the only thing on the horizon to cure her insomnia and bring peace to her nights.

But her captain's smile is the best medicine she has, and while she cannot say that she does not trust Unohana-taichou, she most definitely does trust Aizen-taichou. So she does not move from where she stands, and as she hears Unohana get up silently and leave the room, she cannot ignore the nagging thought that she maybe owes the older woman a lot more than she realizes.


	6. Hitsugaya Toushirou

_A/N: Uh...sorry for delay...and the length. Again, playing with canon to suit my purposes, and again, thanks for reading!_

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**Chapter 6: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

She hasn't answered because he hasn't called.

She does not know how long it has been since he last stood by her side, but she knows that he now stands some distance away, off to her right, leaning back with his arms crossed in front of him and one foot propped up against the wall behind him.

She also knows why he hasn't called to her.

A large part of her is relieved because she is not sure that she wants to answer, but nonetheless she is wounded by the silence that he so stubbornly maintains. Their years together have brought their fair share of heated exchanges - the iciness of his demeanor could burn just as powerfully as the fire behind hers - but never before has there been this kind of distance between herself and Hitsugaya.

She knows that he is standing there now, watching her, and she knows that the silence between them is a serious one indeed.

She cannot remember exactly why it is that her Shiro-chan is angry, but she knows with complete certainty that the blame rests entirely on her shoulders. Overwhelming guilt gnaws away at the confidence she already lacks, and from somewhere inside the darkness comes a flurry of thoughts that she cannot sort into truths and lies.

-------------------------------------------

When she heard news that Hitsugaya had been promoted to captain, she was nothing short of ecstatic.

"Aizen-taichou!" she called as she sprinted after her captain through the winding corridors of the 5th division, dodging personnel and obstacles alike with a distinct lack of grace.

He stopped and turned at the sound of her voice, waiting patiently until his vice-captain caught up to him. "Yes, Hinamori-kun?" he asked as she paused to catch her breath.

"Yamamoto-sou-taichou has requested that all captains meet in his office for the official annoucement of Hitsugaya Toushirou's elevation to the rank of captain," she said with as much solemnity as she could muster, eyes sparkling in a clear indicator of her barely concealed excitement.

She was indescribably pleased when her captain's reaction mirrored her own. "That's wonderful news," Aizen enthused. "That means I'll get a chance to meet and welcome the boy genius that I've heard so much about over the years." His eyes turned upwards in thought as he continued, "I assume he's been given command of the tenth?"

She nodded in confirmation.

"Great," he said, smiling and gesturing in the direction of the first division complex. "Shall we go, then?"

Her face lit up immediately. "Hai, Aizen-taichou," she exclaimed, clapping her hands together in delight. He laughed warmly and placed a hand on her shoulder as he passed, signalling with a nod for her to follow.

She doesn't know that Aizen knew of her relationship to Hitsugaya long before she admitted it to him in confidence, nor would she think it important if she did.

The meeting of the thirteen captains was strictly a formality, a ceremony wherein solemn pledges of allegiance and camaraderie were spoken and affirmed with varying levels of sincerity. Left to their own devices, the vice-captains found themselves haphazardly spread out around an adjacent waiting room. She seemed the only one even remotely interested in the proceedings as she nervously paced the floor, jumping every time the slightest noise was heard from outside.

"They're probably not saying anything interesting," commented a voluptuous blonde lounging casually on the couch.

She turned with a questioning look on her face, and was answered with a playful wink. "At least, not anything that I would find interesting," the woman laughed as she adjusted her precariously low collar and flashed an impossibly perfect smile at the male vice-captains huddled conspiratorially in the far corner.

It was the first time she met the woman that would be Hitsugaya's vice-captain.

Despite her well-deserved reputation for shyness, she found it delightfully easy and pleasant to speak to the older woman. She barely noticed as a full hour passed, and it was only when a familiar white head poked through the doorway that she looked up from her conversation. Clear green eyes swept through the room, stopping briefly at her in silent acknowledgement before locking onto their intended target.

It was the first time she saw Hitsugaya in a captain's haori.

"Oi, Matsumoto," Hitsugaya said in an exceedingly bored tone, folding his arms across his chest and looking off to the side. "Let's go already."

"Hai, Hitsugaya-taichou," answered her new acquaintance reluctantly, running a hand through her long hair and stretching languidly as she rose from her seat. "See you later, Hinamori," she said in parting, exiting with a playful flourish at the door.

"Damn," commented Shuuhei an awestruck minute later, as Kira and Renji nodded enthusiastically. She rolled her eyes and looked around for something to throw.

Aizen came by soon after, holding a hand up in greeting as she ran up to him and bowed. "Are you ready to go, Hinamori-kun?" he asked.

She smiled brightly. "Hai, Aizen-taichou!" she exclaimed, resolutely ignoring a distinctly fake cough from Renji's direction.

"Let's go, then," Aizen said, nodding politely at Renji and Kira as he left the room. "Abarai-kun, Kira-kun."

"Aizen-taichou," they answered, bowing in unison.

She noticed something odd about her captain's demeanour as she dutifully followed him out of the 1st division buildings, and was deliberating whether or not it was worth comment when Aizen spoke. "You know," he said carefully, "I don't think Hitsugaya-taichou likes me very much."

His words took her completely by surprise. "Aizen-taichou?" she questioned. "Why wouldn't he like you?"

He shrugged helplessly. "I don't know for certain," he said, his voice full of honest disappointment. "I made a point to congratulate him afterwards, and he may have taken offense to the familiarity of my conduct."

It was the first time she was given cause to doubt her childhood friend.

Conflicting information saturated her thoughts as she considered this new development. She knew Hitsugaya too well to expect that he would show Aizen any particular deference on her account, but even so it seemed impossible for him to treat her captain with anything less than civility. She concluded that Aizen must have accidentally mistaken Hitsugaya's trademark coolness for dislike, and was about to speak in her friend's defense when Aizen took it upon himself to clarify the meaning of his original remark.

"You see, I inadvertently referred to him as Hitsugaya-kun, and he...took exception to that particular mode of address," he explained, slowing his speech as if choosing his words deliberately.

"What do you mean, took exception?" she asked, all debate coming to a close as she registered the deep frown on her captain's face. Her hands clenched of their own volition. "What did he say to you?"

It was the first time she took her captain's word over Hitsugaya's.

He looked off to the side and ran a hand through his hair tiredly. "He just told me to respect his rank, that's all." He smiled placatingly at his vice-captain. "Don't worry, Hinamori-kun," he continued. "He wasn't rude about it, just cold."

"That's ridiculous!" she exclaimed hotly. "How could he treat you like that!"

Aizen halted slightly in his step, seemingly taken aback by the vehemence behind her words. "Now, Hinamori-kun," he chided gently. "You are speaking of another captain, here." He sighed and smiled ruefully. "It was wrong of me to assume friendship and take such liberties with someone of my rank. He is my peer, after all. I should go apologize."

He turned as if to head to the tenth division, but found his progress impeded by an adamant tug on his haori. He looked down to see her outstretched hand tightly gripping his robe, and slowly moved his questioning gaze to meet hers.

She was many things but never a coward, and she would stand up to anyone, Hitsugaya included, who dared to hurt someone she loved. Fire burned behind her eyes as she said quietly, "You have nothing to apologize for. You are one of the most venerated, respected and powerful captains of the Gotei 13. You have held this rank for centuries, longer than Hitsugaya-taichou has been alive." It was with a rare ferocity that she finished, "If anything, he should apologize to you."

It was the first time she got genuinely angry with her Shiro-chan.

She watched, fascinated, as his expression slowly changed from one of surprise to something entirely different altogether. "Ah, Hinamori-kun," he said, shaking his head fondly. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

She blinked in surprise as he reached forward and took her hands in his.

"I didn't want to upset you over something so trivial," he said, smiling warmly. "But thank you. You don't know how much your words mean to me."

She nodded, eyes wide and her heart pounding in her ears, and her world was a blur as they completed their journey back to the fifth division and parted ways. That night she made a promise to show Hitsugaya what a great man Aizen-taichou truly was, and it was this vow and the lingering pressure of Aizen's hands on hers that allowed her to sleep with a clear conscience and easy heart.

It does not occur to her that she never sought Hitsugaya's corroboration of the story, nor that he never had a chance to defend himself.

-------------------------------------------

She hears the unceremonious scraping of a chair against the floor, and is both elated and apprehensive when she realizes that he is now sitting by her side.

When he finally speaks, she finds herself fighting through to the surface to hear him. But his words tear at her heart, and she wonders what she has done to make her Shiro-chan hate her so much that lies fall from his lips with such ease.

So she stays by Aizen's side and tells herself that it is because she will not betray her captain like Kira betrayed her, but today is the first time she acknowledges one source of the guilt that eats away at her soul.

She will not betray Aizen like she betrayed Hitsugaya.

She does not think about the circumstances that led her to attack her friend, for when she stands by her captain, sure in her stance and steady in her heart, she is protected from the lies thrown at her by the little white-haired boy that used to have her absolute trust.

She will not again forsake someone she loves, so she closes her ears to the lies.

"Aizen's gone," he says.

-------------------------------------------

When she heard that Matsumoto was too ill to accompany her captain on a routine hollow patrol, she immediately volunteered to take her place.

"Go, of course," said Aizen encouragingly when she hesitantly asked for his permission. "It'll be good experience for you, as well a great opportunity to catch up with your childhood friend."

She flushed red with embarrassment at having her motives so easily revealed.

"Don't worry," he said, his eyes twinkling. "You've finished your own paperwork and more than half of mine, and I was actually going to give you the night off. If you want to spend it with Hitsugaya-taichou, then by all means do so."

"Really?" she asked incredulously, heartfelt gratitude shining brightly from her expression. "Thank you so much, Aizen-taichou!" She bowed deeply, and looked up when she felt a warm hand resting gently on her head.

"Promise me you'll be careful, Hinamori-kun," he said, a shadow flitting across his expression. "I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you."

She blushed slightly from his show of concern. "I'll be back before dawn, Aizen-taichou," she promised, her eyes wide with sincerity.

He nodded and stepped away, tucking his hands into his haori. "Have fun," he called after her as she sprinted down the walkway.

The glint of moonlight off of his glasses masked his expression as he watched her leave.

She reached the tenth division in record time, but was disappointed when her arrival barely drew a reaction out of Hitsugaya. He leaned casually in the outer gateway, his expression unreadable as he cooly surveyed his companion. "Oh, it's you," he said matter-of-factly.

"Hitsugaya-kun!" she exclaimed, narrowing her eyes in displeasure. "You could at least act like you're happy to see me." He shrugged an apology with a distinct lack of enthusiasm, but she didn't seem to notice. "That's better," she said, flashing him a brilliant smile. "This'll be fun!"

She never saw the lopsided grin that teased at his youthful features as she fidgeted with the strings of the bun that held up her hair, complaining about how Hyourinmaru's proximity always made her hands cold.

"Are you ready yet?" he asked, sighing loudly and looking pointedly at a large clock on the wall.

"Yes, Hitsugaya-taichou," she said, her eyes sparkling with mischief as she straightened up and stood at formal attention with her hands flat against her sides. "Please, tenth division captain, do lead the way."

With a grimace he turned on his heel and strode purposefully towards the portal, and she thought her heart would burst with secret pride as she watched Hitsugaya walk in front of her, a powerful captain and her little Shiro-chan all in one.

They materialized in a small clearing surrounded by deep forest. "I'll scout out the perimeter, Hitsugaya-kun," she said, all business now that combat was at hand.

He curtly nodded his permission and she leapt gracefully into the trees, weaving a complex path through the dense foliage and inspecting their surroundings for any abnormalities. When she didn't sense anything out of the ordinary she allowed herself the luxury of enjoying the night air. It was nice to be out of Seiretei for a change, and if she wouldn't be with Aizen tonight there was no one else she would rather be with than her Shiro-chan.

A howl from somewhere out in the night startled her out of her thoughts, and she instantly came to a standstill on the nearest branch, her hand on Tobiume's hilt and her eyes staring out towards the source of the sound. A rustle in the leaves announced Hitsugaya's subsequent arrival.

"What was that?" he whispered as he stood close by her side, his piercing green eyes almost luminescent against the eerily dark backdrop of the forest around them.

She shook her head to indicate her matching lack of knowledge. "It wasn't quite the howl of a hollow," she said, her expression serious.

He nodded in agreement. "I know," he said. "Its reiatsu isn't quite right either."

She frowned. "Strange," she said slowly, her eyebrows drawn in intense concentration.

"What?" asked Hitsugaya distractedly as he continued to scour their surroundings for any visual sign of their opponent. A sudden flash of realization struck him, and his pupils dilated in surprise as he instinctively lunged for his unsuspectingly companion.

"I don't feel it anymore," she was saying, just before the tree branch was pulled out from under her and she was flung into the night air, away from Hitsugaya's desperately outstretched hands.

"Hinamori!" he yelled, but he was forced to jump away as a massive creature of indeterminate form rose up from beneath and swiped a gelatinous limb at the young captain. "Bastard," he muttered as he steeled himself and drew Hyourinmaru in mid-air. In one swift moment he pushed off a series of nearby surfaces, rapidly changing direction and rushing towards the creature with a trail of ice crystals in his wake.

His battle cry resonated through the darkness as she fell to the ground, a protective spell cushioning her impact an instant before an explosion of sound again broke the stilness of the night. She immediately got to her feet, drew Tobiume and ran to Hitsugaya's aid, approaching the creature from the back in an attempt to flank their enemy.

To their collective surprise, the creature immediately stopped its attack on Hitsugaya and turned to face her instead.

"Ah, there you are, little one," it said, coal-fire eyes smouldering with dark amusement. "I've been looking for you." In a movement impossibly fast for something of its girth, it surrounded her with thick, tainted air and laughed, a deep, fearful sound that shook her to the very depths of her soul.

She clawed at her throat and opened her mouth in a desperate attempt for air as the creature suffocated her slowly in its fluid grasp. Hitsugaya yelled out in barely contained rage, Hyourinmaru echoing his master's anger as the ice dragon soared through the sky towards her assailant.

Her own scream was stifled by the overwhelming pressure in her chest when she saw Hitsugaya's body fly into the trees with a sickening series of crunches and come to rest in an awkward position on the dusty ground. She forced her head to one side and saw to her horror that four other creatures had materialized and were now headed towards the fallen captain.

She closed her eyes and tried to still the turmoil of her thoughts, gathering the magic to the best of her ability and releasing from her open hands one sudden, concentrated burst of power. The creature let out a pained scream of surprise and loosed its hold on her, flailing angrily as she greedily drew oxygen into her deprived lungs and made her way to where Hitsugaya was picking himself off of the ground, stunned but otherwise unharmed.

"Four more of those bastards came out of nowhere," he said gruffly, ignoring her protests and casually wiping blood from the side of his mouth with a sleeve. Hyourinmaru hovered solicitously over them as he continued, "I've called it in, so help should be here shortly."

She nodded, but the words were barely out of his mouth when the angry howls of their attackers sounded from somewhere behind them. "They're mine," said Hitsugaya grimly, the chill in his voice a clear sign of his anger. She knew better than to argue with him in times like these and stepped away respectfully, allowing him space as he entered resolutely into battle.

She watched, tranfixed by the splendour of Hyourinmaru's true form, as Hitsugaya soared through the night with breathtaking speed. She had heard much of Hitsugaya's talent and believed every word, but it was something else entirely to see and feel the sheer magnitude of power emanating from the core of his being.

It was the first time she saw Hitsugaya's bankai, and the first time she truly realized how powerful her childhood friend had become.

So captivated was she that she barely noticed when the ground opened up into a gaping maw below her. She jumped away just in time, and when her zanpakutou swung out it was met with the teeth of her supposedly vanquished foe.

Its anger was fully directed at her now, and she found herself struggling to breathe under the overwhelming pressure of its reiatsu. Taking an involuntary step backwards, she narrowed her eyes in resolve and aimed her shikai directly at what she took to be its head. She was surprised when it easily deformed around the projectile and swung a massive fist towards her, sending her headlong into a rock wall.

She heard Hitsugaya scream something at her from a distance away, but as she gripped Tobiume tightly with both hands and slowly tried to rise, she knew that he would not be able to come to her aid.

It was the first time that Hitsugaya failed to protect her in battle.

Dizzy and disoriented, she tasted blood as the creature loomed triumphantly over her, its breath reeking of sulfur. "You didn't really think your weak Shinigami magic would finish me, did you?" it boomed. She barely managed to dodge the brunt of its next attack, wincing as an unseen claw dug into her shoulder and caused a sharp burst of pain to shoot through her right side. It lifted its hands to strike again, and she held up Tobiume defiantly as she concentrated the last of her energy reserves into one final attack.

A sudden ripple in the spatial fabric gave her pause, and she watched in relief as dimensional portals opened up behind each of five monsters and swallowed them from sight. It was no more than a second later when a team of masked Shinigami jumped into the forest and immediately began to establish a defensive boundary.

"Hitsugaya-taichou! Hinamori-fukutaichou!" called the team leader, as fourth division medics rushed to their aid.

"What were those things?" asked Hitsugaya, barely having enough time to release his bankai and sheath his zanpakutou before they were hurriedly pulled towards an evacuation portal.

"We don't know," said the officer truthfully. "An emergency meeting of the captains has been convened to discuss this matter. All we've ascertained is that they weren't truly hollows."

"How is that possible?" she questioned, her gait unsteady as her vision drifted in and out of focus. Hitsugaya shot her a worried look, but she was concentrating too hard on hearing the answer to notice.

The officer shrugged. "This is only what I overheard, Hinamori-fukutaichou," he said respectfully. "That the creatures you fought weren't fully hollows, instead possessing some unknown essence that made them fully sentient and much more powerful."

The trip between dimensions seemed to take longer than usual, and when they emerged she was so exhausted that she could barely keep her eyes open. A small crowd of officers had formed around the portal in front of which she and Hitsugaya now stood, and out of the haze she heard Hitsugaya mutter something to one of the medical officers.

She could feel his eyes sweep over her in an attempt to gauge the extent of the damage done to her body. Unreactive and still a little dizzy, her dominant arm hung limply by her side underneath the shredded fabric of her sleeve, the black cloth masking the blood that continued to flow from her wound. Angry purple bruises were beginning to show against her smooth, pale skin, and a small trickle of blood ran slowly down one side of her pallid face. She was remotely aware that she must be a pitiful sight, but could not muster enough energy to care.

Her vision darkened as she fought a losing battle to stay conscious, but a shout from somewhere near the back of the crowd briefly forced the fog away from her brain.

It was rare to feel such powerful reiatsu pulsate with this level of urgency, and the crowd parted respectfully to make way for the fifth division captain as he strode with uncharacteristic haste towards the portal entrance.

"Hinamori!" he exclaimed as he entered visual range. He closed the remaining distance between them in full sprint, unceremoniously pushing a few unattentive spectators out of the way as he passed.

It was the first time she saw Aizen look anything but calm.

She took one shaky step towards her captain, and offered a small smile in an attempt to assure him that she was alright.

"Oi, careful!" she heard Hitsugaya say as the world turned black around her and she lost her footing, falling to the ground in what felt like slow motion.

A rush of air brushed against her skin, and time returned to its normal speed as she found her descent suddenly halted. Slowly she looked up to see Aizen in front of her, his hands a steadying force on her shoulders and an undecipherable expression on his face.

"Aizen-taichou," she forced out, her lungs still hurting from previous abuse. A tension-filled minute passed without the slightest movement from either party, and silence fell upon the collected shinigami as all eyes turned to Aizen and awaited his reaction.

With a sudden motion he pulled her into a close embrace, ignoring the murmurs of surprise that made their way around the crowd.

"I'll get blood on your cloak," she muttered as the world span in circles around her. His body moved slightly against hers, and she was surprised to feel the soft fabric of his haori against her face as he gently wiped away the blood with his sleeve.

"It'll wash out," he replied as he concentrated on his task, his eyes full of concern.

Hitsugaya cleared his throat uncomfortably from somewhere beside her, briefly reminding her of the presence of observers. "People are watching," she said softly, but she did not protest when Aizen wrapped his arms around her.

"It doesn't matter," he whispered against her hair. "Let them watch."

She sniffed and buried her head in the warmth of his robes. "People will talk," she continued, her words slightly muffled.

"It doesn't matter," he said again, pressing his lips gently against the top of her head and sighing. "You're safe. Nothing else matters."

She does not know how many nights Hitsugaya has spent awake, wishing he had been the one to say the words that came so easily from Aizen's mouth.

Hitsugaya coughed loudly, this time successfully drawing their attention away from each other. "Hinamori," he said quietly. "Go get some rest. I'll send someone from the fourth division to tend to your wounds."

"No need," said Aizen, stepping away from her to face the tenth division captain. "I'll take care of it."

"You need to be at the captain's meeting, as do I," answered Hitsugaya evenly, an element of challenge evident in the intensity of his gaze.

She was about to intercede when she again felt her legs give out from under her. In an instant she saw a clash of green and white - Hitsugaya's eyes impossibly clear against the blinding reflection from Aizen's glasses - as both captains moved to her aid. For an awkward, fleeting moment she was suspended between them both, with Aizen supporting her right and Hitsugaya her left.

She never saw the look Aizen gave Hitsugaya, nor did she see Hitsugaya grit his teeth as he nodded abruptly, released her and awkwardly stood aside. All she knows is that when her eyes reopened, her head was on Aizen's shoulder and her arms around his neck as he lifted her off the ground and took the first few steps towards the fifth division.

"Please explain the situation to Yamamoto-sou-taichou," Aizen said quietly. "I will defend my absense at the earliest opportunity."

Hitsugaya nodded in wordless acknowedgement and signalled to Matsumoto who, against the advice of the fourth division, had been hovering in the background ever since their arrival. Two quick steps brought her to his side, and his face was impassive as he turned away to leave.

"Hitsugaya-taichou," said Aizen.

Hitsugaya turned his head slowly, his expression completely devoid of emotion save for the slightest hint of resignation.

She felt herself dip slightly towards the ground, and realized that Aizen was bowing. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "For bringing her back safely."

"Ah," was all Hitsugaya could manage in reply before turning away again.

She never heard Matsumoto's comforting words to Hitsugaya as they walked towards the first division complex, nor does she stop to think of the emotions that must have plagued him since that night. Coincidences and patterns mean nothing to her as she looks back and remembers only that Aizen made her well-being a priority over both his image and his duty.

-------------------------------------------

She sees turquoise reflected all around her, and is both relieved and saddened when she realizes that he has not yet left her side.

When he speaks again, his words bring her to tears, and she wonders what she has done to make her Shiro-chan speak with such desperation.

She tells herself that she will not cause her captain the same worry and sorrow that Renji has caused her, but today is the first day that she acknowledges one source of the guilt that eats away at her soul.

She will not cause Aizen the same sorrow that she has caused Hitsugaya.

She does not think about how she has caused Hitsugaya to worry, for Aizen's gentle smile shields her from the accusations flung at her by the little white-haired boy that once swore to protect her, and so she stands her ground and shuts her eyes to what she does not want to see.

"You're so stupid," he says. "You'd die for him. But if you die, what do I have left?"

-------------------------------------------

When Matsumoto asked her to come watch the fireworks for Hitsugaya's birthday, the first thought that crossed her mind was to invite Aizen.

"Fireworks for Hitsugaya-taichou," he mused as she eagerly awaited his response. "That's very nice of Matsumoto-fukutaichou." His eyes lit up with curiousity, and after a brief pause he asked, "How about you, Hinamori-kun? What did you get him?"

A bright smile diffused across her face. "I spent a lot of time thinking of a present for Hitsugaya-kun," she said, her tone betraying her delight in her captain's interest. "And after much consideration, I finally decided to get him a year's supply of watermelons."

He looked intrigued, if slightly confused, and she took his silence as encouragement to continue.

"When we were little, Hitsugaya-kun used to love watermelons," she explained. "But shortly after I started at the academy, he told me to stop bringing them home because they were troublesome to eat and he didn't like them anymore. I heard from someone later that he was just worried that I would spend too much money buying them for him."

This earned her a small laugh from her captain, followed by an almost wistful, "That's a very sweet story."

She looked up at him, frowning in concern when she saw the expression on his face. "Is something wrong, Aizen-taichou?" she asked.

Aizen shook his head and smiled. "No, nothing," he said kindly. "It truly is a lovely gift. It's just..." He trailed off and moved to stand a little closer to her, looking down into her eyes before finishing, "...I cannot help but envy him a little."

"Why?" she asked, utterly perplexed.

"Hitsugaya-kun occupies a special place in your heart," he said quietly. He smiled and looked away, shaking his head ruefully. "It's silly, I know, but I feel like I've missed out on so much, and that there's a part of you that I'll never understand."

She shook her head adamantly. "It's not like that," she insisted. "I've known him since I was little, so of course we are very close friends. But even so, Aizen-taichou is just as important to me as Hitsugaya-kun."

He smiled. "That's very kind of you, Hinamori-kun," he responded, but he sounded less than convinced.

A sharp pain shot through her chest, and she thought her heart would break when Aizen turned away from her and walked towards his desk. "I would feel like I was intruding if I went," he said quietly. "You go without me, and have a good time. Please send my best regards to Hitsugaya-taichou." He turned his head towards her and smiled gently. "It's important to have people you care about," he continued. "I wish there was someone with whom I could share that kind of bond. You deserve to savor special moments like these with Hitsugaya-taichou alone."

She stood at the door, unwilling to leave when her captain was so obviously unhappy, and fidgeted nervously with the scarf around her neck.

A minute later, he looked up from his work. "Truly, Hinamori-kun," he said, laughing quietly. "I'll be fine. Go on, or you'll be late."

She said nothing, biting down on her lower lip and shifting her weight awkwardly from one foot to another.

"Is something wrong, Hinamori-kun?" he asked, walking back over to where she stood.

"I really want you to go," she stuttered, adamantly refusing to look him in the eye.

He seemed surprised by her answer. "Why?" he prodded.

"Because..." she started. Her hands clenched at her sides as she steeled her resolve, and after a pause she blurted out, "Because no moment is truly special unless you're there too."

It was the first time she directly alluded to her feelings for her captain.

When he did not immediately respond, she held her breath and quickly stole a glance at his expression. Her eyes widened as they took in the smile that replaced his former pensive countenance.

"Well, then," he finally answered. "If it is important to you, Hinamori-kun, then it would be my pleasure accompany you."

"Really?" she breathed, an intense mix of relief and happiness washing over her. "Thank you, Aizen-taichou!"

"No, thank you, Hinamori-kun," he said, smiling warmly and gesturing towards the door. "Let us go, then."

By the time they made their way to the roof of the tenth division training grounds, Matsumoto was already waiting.

"Aizen-taichou!" she said, masking her surprise as she scrambled to her feet and bowed. "Hinamori, welcome. Thanks for coming."

Hitsugaya climbed onto the roof a minute later, muttering something violently under his breath. He looked up and blinked in surprise as Matsumoto waved him over to where they sat. Fireworks exploded in the distance as he realized the purpose of their meeting and did his best to fight back a smile.

"Hinamori," he said, feigning disinterest. "And Aizen, too? What's going on, Matsumoto?"

She instantly bristled. "Call him Aizen-taichou!" she said, crossing her arms and wrinkling her nose in distaste.

His cool turquoise eyes calmly countered her indignant gaze. "Then call me Hitsugaya-taichou," he said with a dismissive wave.

She relaxed somewhat when she heard Aizen laugh gently from his spot beside her.

"Congratulations, Hitsugaya-kun," said Aizen, and she was pleasantly surprised when Hitsugaya made no comment about Aizen's chosen mode of address.

Hitsugaya shrugged. "It's not even my real birthday," he said. "Only the nobility know for certain when their real birthday is."

"It doesn't matter if it's real," Aizen answered. His words were nominally directed to Hitsugaya, but his eyes were fixed on her alone. "Sources of happiness are rare to find indeed. Your own reality and your own true happiness, those are the only things that matter in the end."

She heard Hitsugaya grunt in acknowledgement as the young captain became lost in his own thoughts, but she had eyes for Aizen alone. She never saw the look on Hitsugaya's face as he watched her shyly steal an occasional glance at her captain, and give Aizen the smile that was once reserved for him alone.

She does not stop to think about the implications of Aizen's words, for to do so is to question the character of the one man she considers infallible.

-------------------------------------------

She feels a cool breeze blow across the room, and finds herself both delighted and frightened by the tactile reminder of Hitsugaya's presence by her bedside.

When he speaks again, his words strike at her heart both with what they do and do not say, and she wonders what she has done to make her Shiro-chan shatter the defenses that he has so painstakingly crafted over the years.

She tells herself that she will not make her captain envy Hitsugaya the way she often wished she was Matsumoto, but today is the first time that she acknowledges one true source of her guilt.

She will not cause her captain to be jealous, the way she made Hitsugaya jealous of Aizen.

She does not think about why she has often looked away from Hitsugaya, for the warmth of Aizen's proximity protects her from the pain of the little white-haired boy that used to mean everything to her, and so she stays where she stands and ignores the sensations that she does not want to feel.

"I never blamed you," he says. "I stood back and let him take you from me."

-------------------------------------------

When Hitsugaya first entered the Gotei 13, they made a pact to meet at least once a month to catch up on their lives. It was an informal pact at best, as she had been the one to propose the idea, the location, and the time - but though he never actually agreed to her plan, the first Monday evening of every month infallibly found the two of them together in some part of Seiretei.

It was a warm summer night when they sat on the rooftop of one of the inner watchtowers, staring out into the sky.

"Aizen-taichou took me out for lunch today," she began.

He grunted. "Is that so," he drawled with a distinct lack of interest.

She smiled, oblivious to his reaction. "I've never really seen much of the other districts of the Rukongai," she continued. "But Aizen-taichou knew his way around all the streets and the shops, and a lot of people recognized him and said hello, and he smiled back and everyone was so impressed and I was so proud that..."

"Oi," interrupted Hitsugaya. "You're ranting."

"Well, I'm only talking because you aren't saying anything!" she said, poking him in the shoulder and pouting in silent protest.

"Don't have much to say," he answered, scowling as he rubbed his shoulder. "Training is hard work. Hyourinmaru is powerful, and I must be powerful to match him. That's about it."

She sighed, unsatisfied by his lack of enthusiasm. "What about your captain?" she asked. "How do you like serving under him?"

"He's a good leader," came his short reply.

"Hitsugaya-kun! You're deliberately being difficult!" she accused, gesticulating to emphasize her words.

"I don't know what else to say!" he retorted.

They glared at each other for a minute before she turned away with a gentle sigh. "I just want to you be as happy as I am, Hitsugaya-kun," she said. "Aizen-taichou is such a great captain."

"Mmm," he said, removing a stray thread from his sleeve with almost violent force.

She sat up straight as an idea suddenly struck her. "Would they ever let you transfer to the fifth division?" she wondered out loud, her eyes staring into his with the utmost sincerity.

Hitsugaya paused briefly, before snorting in derision. "This is a stupid conversation," he muttered.

She crossed her arms in defiance. "Why?" she challenged him.

"There's no point in talking to you if every other word out of your mouth is about Aizen!" he answered, his tone bordering on disgust. "Isn't there anything else in your life, other than your captain? Don't you do anything besides what he wants or asks you to? Don't you talk to anyone else besides him?"

"I don't need anything, or anyone else!" she exclaimed heatedly in response.

He laughed coldly. "Let me guess. You're going to say that Aizen is your purpose for living, or something stupid like that."

"Aizen-taichou," she corrected. "And so what if he is?"

"Seems pretty lame to me, to live your life for your commanding officer," he countered.

"He's more than just my commanding officer, Hitsugaya-kun," she said, her voice cracking from emotion. "He..."

"I don't want to know," he said loudly, successfully drowning out the rest of her sentence.

She did not know then, nor does she acknowledge now, just how much truth was behind those five little words.

"Fine then," she said, calming down slightly and settling back on her elbows. "Let's talk about you. What's your purpose for living, Hitsugaya-kun?"

He stood abruptly and brushed himself off. "Like I said," he said, walking towards the ladder that lead to the ground. "This is a stupid conversation."

"GAH!" she exclaimed in frustration. "Fine!" She jumped to her feet and clenched her fists at her sides, mentally cursing herself for what she was about to say. "But...but we're still on for next month?" she yelled after his retreating figure.

"Maybe," he answered cryptically with a casual wave.

She continued to fume in place as she sat on the roof by herself, and it was hours later when she returned to her quarters and opened the door to her room with more force than was perhaps required.

"What's wrong, Hinamori-kun?" came Aizen's voice from a little distance down the hall.

She looked up in surprise to see him standing outside his door, an eyebrow quirked in curiousity as he took in her uncharacteristically flustered behaviour. She immediately turned a delicate shade of pink. "I...uh..." she stuttered, wracking her mind for something to say.

He closed his room door and walked towards her, his expression one of concern. "Is something bothering you?" he questioned.

She smiled and shook her head. "Nothing major, Aizen-taichou," she said truthfully. "Just an argument with a friend. Really, it's nothing."

"Well, okay then," he said skeptically. "It's up to you."

"It's just that I don't want to bother you with something so trivial," she said slowly.

He shook his head. "Don't say things like that," he answered. He smiled warmly, and she thought her heart would burst with happiness at his next words. "You know, Hinamori-kun, there's no greater purpose for me as a captain than to make sure that you're always happy."

She blushed furiously and bowed in sincere gratitude. "Thank you, Aizen-taichou," she said, her eyes clearly echoing her sentiments.

"I'll go make some tea," he said with a friendly nod, turning towards his room and gesturing for her to follow.

As she fell into step behind Aizen, it struck her as tragic that Hitsugaya would never understand the depth of the relationship between her and her captain.

She does not stop to consider the true reason for the vehemence of Hitsugaya's reaction, because in all their years together she has never heard the words he never said. Instead, when she recalls her time with Aizen and all the attentiveness he has shown her, nothing seems more honorable or more natural than for her to dedicate her life to the service of her beloved captain.

-------------------------------------------

She feels an overwhelming number of conflicting emotions pulsating in the powerful spirit energy that surrounds her, and finds herself both hopeful and burdened by the knowledge of his continuing presence at her side.

When he speaks again, his words stir up feelings that have lain dormant for years, and she wonders what she has done to make her Shiro-chan speak with such heartbreaking conviction.

She tells herself that she will not sever the ties that bind her and her captain because she has seen the cruel aftermath in the hollow shell of the man that used to be Shuuhei.

Today, however, is the first time she acknowledges the source of the guilt that eats away at her soul.

She will deprive neither herself nor her captain of purpose, the way she is selfishly depriving Hitsugaya of his.

She thinks about her childhood with Hitsugaya, and though the image of her captain shields her from the brunt of the guilt that threatens to destroy her, she cannot help but acknowledge the meaning behind the words thrown at her by white-haired captain that sits by her side and has one hand resting gently on hers.

"I never answered your question," he says. "I couldn't believe that you needed to ask."

She knows that his words are true, but she remembers that Hitsugaya is Aizen's murderer, that Aizen's last words implicated him in the crime, and that he must therefore be the culprit because her captain loved her, cared for her, and her captain is not a liar.

But Hitsugaya loves her, cares for her, and Hitsugaya is no killer, and she wants to scream because the traitorous thoughts tear through everything she knows and believes in, and with the point of a sword and a tear-filled accusation she has already destroyed the only other pillar of faith that used to hold her steady.

To show confidence in Hitsugaya is to show a lack of loyalty to Aizen, and to insult every memory of what her captain has done and said and lived for. But as with Unohana-taichou, it occurs to her that she doesn't really understand why her faith in Hitsugaya should have anything to do with her captain at all.

She decides that she cannot choose between the man that she loves and the boy that she adores, so she tells herself that she will not leave Aizen because it is the honorable thing to do, and hopes from the bottom of her heart that Hitsugaya will find a way to forget her.

She will not leave her captain, the way her captain left her.

She panics and reaches out for anyone, anything that can steady her, but Hitsugaya has already left and when she turns back Aizen is an impossible distance away, surveying her with a coldness that she cannot fathom.

The emptiness eats at her heart and digs at her soul, and it is the first time that she realizes the severity of the knowledge that she has willfully ignored during her slumber.

All alone and trapped somewhere in the darkness of her own thoughts, she starts to cry.


	7. Finale

_A/N: So, it's been...ages. I AM SO SORRY. What follows is a draft I wrote some time ago, but I've left it so long that I can't remember the details of what I intended to convey. (AND it doesn't fit with canon anymore.)_

_I am therefore just going to publish it as is. Please forgive me if it lacks the polish of a proofread piece, but I figured this is better than leaving it unfinished._

_A sincere thank you to everyone who has reviewed and supported this story, and especially to Jedi Boadicea for the encouragement and helpful comments._

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**Chapter 7: Finale**

She has never told anyone, not even her beloved Aizen-taichou, that she wasn't so much afraid of thunderstorms as she was of solitude. While violent crashes and flashes of light gave her concrete reason to seek the comfort of her captain's quarters, she suffered much more on the many nights where the weather was pleasant, the night was peaceful and it took all her strength to stay put as she lay alone, flat on her back and staring up at the darkened ceiling.

It is a familiar feeling that settles upon her as she sits in the darkness and waits for her captain to come to her aid, aid which he has provided for as long as she can remember.

She sits and waits for a voice that doesn't come, waits so long and so intently that an echo in the emptiness of her thoughts provides a beacon for her to follow. She instinctively clings onto the auditory signal and follows without heed as to her ultimate destination, for all paths lead to her captain. She faithfully clambers over and stumbles past the unseen obstacles in her mind, but grows anxious when she hears neither words of greeting nor encouragement. Her fear of solitude overwhelms her concern over the uncertain identity of the person who calls to her, and so she continues to grope her way along the walls of her mind, her eyes on her captain and her heart in confusion.

Millions of colors swirl around her and overwhelm her mind's eye as she rises out of the darkness. She immediately freezes, but strings of crimson wind around her body. The closer she hovers to the surface, the more comfortable she feels. She has been alone for so long that she cannot refuse this comfort, and she decides that it is acceptable to stay there, if only for the moment.

She looks for her captain and sees him staring benignly at her from somewhere off in the distance. His continuing presence allows her to bask in the gentle warmth that now surrounds her. Then, all at once, a torrent of emotions bombards her consciousness and the sensory stimulation is too much, the intensity both frightening and intoxicating. She thinks she senses Hitsugaya but the noise is overwhelming, and she finds it impossible to latch onto any one signal or concentrate on any one thing.

So she sits there and waits, waits for someone, anyone to come pull her out of her lonely misery, but the longer she waits, the quieter the noise gets, until she is once again surrounded by nothingness and left only with her love, as strong as ever, for the fading image of her captain.

"Aizen-taichou," she says imploringly as she reaches out to her captain, and it is the first time in the history of their acquaintance that he does not answer.

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She has always felt alone without her captain, even when surrounded by others.

Her first birthday after her promotion to vice-captain, Aizen was called away to an emergency mission and could not attend the celebration being thrown in her honor.

"I'm so sorry, Hinamori-kun," he said, his eyes full of regret as he took his leave. "I'll make it up to you, I promise. Please be sure to enjoy your special day."

She nodded, trying her best to surpress her disappointment and resolutely ignoring the steadily growing lump in her throat. "Don't worry about me, Aizen-taichou," she said, smiling. "Have a safe and successful mission, and I'll see you when you get back!"

He returned her smile with one of his own, and patted her gently on the head. "Thank you for understanding, Hinamori-kun," he said. "Happy birthday, once again."

She waved to him as he sped off in the direction of the dimensional portal, and when he was out of sight she returned to her office, hugging her arms closely to her body in a futile attempt to stave off the emptiness that was already settling upon her heart.

She remembers that it was Matsumoto who found her, sitting alone in the 5th division training grounds, staring listlessly at a blank wall as she fidgeted with the hilt of her zanpakutou. In the reflection of her sheath she could make out the tall blonde standing to one side, watching her with an expression of evident concern that morphed rapidly into her habitual cheerfulness.

"Hi, Hinamori!" exclaimed Matsumoto, plopping herself down next to her friend and throwing an arm around her slim shoulders. "Happy birthday! Let's go drink!"

She smiled slightly. "I don't know about that," she hedged. "I don't think I'm really up for a party anymore."

Matsumoto frowned dramatically, placing a graceful finger on her chin and turning her face up in a mocking pose of serious thought. "Hmmm," she murmured. "Is that so."

She turned her head to look at her friend, curiousity getting better of her melancholy. She had since learned caution whenever the blonde got one of her great ideas, but though they inevitably lead to disaster, the journey towards that end was always a riot.

"Forget the official party, then," said Matsumoto, her eyes lighting up as she jumped up and pulled her surprised companion with her. "Go for an hour, like a good vice-captain, and watch the rest of your division get drunk - then meet me outside your room, okay?" She winked. "It'll be good," she stated in a tone that inspired some anxiety in her companion, and took off before a reply could be ventured.

She remembers that her birthday was when a lot of questions were raised and answered.

She remembers how Kira brought her an almost comically large birthday cake, decorated in all sorts of pretty colors and with her favorite fruits spilling over the sides.

Even she had to admit that she was having fun, even though she still missed Aizen terribly. The three male vice-captains eventually decided that there was not enough alcohol consumed and headed down to the cellar to replenish their stores, though Kira had so difficulty getting down the stairs that he was forced to lean heavily on Shuuhei the entire way down.

"Hinamori doesn't love me," she heard him slur from her vantage point at the top of the stairs. She blinked, and was exceptionally glad that Hitsugaya had already left the room in search of his very inebriated vice-captain, who had disappeared a few minutes ago ostensibly in search of paper plates.

She was innocent, not stupid, and when she looked back on her interaction with Kira the revelation was not entirely surprising. She stayed where she was, knowing that eavesdropping on their conversation was wrong, but unable to allow her curiousity to go on unabated.

"She loves someone else," Kira continued, followed by a series of loud bangs and a muffled, "Ow."

"Goddamit!" Shuuhei swore exasperatedly. "Not this again! Either say something to her, or shut the hell up about it!"

She wrung her hands in front of her and bit down on her lower lip as she nervously awaited Kira's response.

"It's no use," lamented Kira dramatically. "How could I possibly compete with a captain?"

She slapped a trembling hand over her mouth to stifle a gasp of surprise, and leaned against a nearby wall for support.

"What captain? Aizen-taichou?" asked Shuuhei incredulously. After a brief pause she heard a derisive snort, followed by, "That's impossible. No way Hinamori has the hots for him."

"Want to bet?" challenged Kira hotly. "You know what I think? I think we should go up there and ask her whether she likes Aizen."

"You know what I think," interjected Renji quickly. "I think we should ask Shuuhei whether he likes men."

Shuuhei choked audibly. "What?!" he exclaimed, when he recovered from his coughing fit. "What the hell is your problem, jackass?"

She could hear the grin on Renji's face as he replied, "I heard a most...interesting...story from Ayasegawa."

"That fruitcake is a liar!" exclaimed Shuuhei, as Kira broke down into hysterical laughter.

She remembers hearing the ensuing scuffle, remembers how Renji winked at her conspiratorially when the three young men stumbled out of the basement a few minutes later, slightly bruised but their attention successfully diverted.

Hitsugaya emerged through the doorway a minute later, a look of distinct displeasure on his youthful features as he stumbled forward, Matsumoto clinging onto his sleeve with ardent fervour as she cheerfully recited a poem of questionable origin.

She remembers how Hitsugaya hid the present that Aizen-taichou had gotten for her until later, so that she would not be saddened by the reminder of her captain's absense.

When the festivities were over and she sat alone in her room, fiddling with the ribbons on her birthday gifts and staring off into the night sky, the emptiness had returned with an added dimension of guilt. She remembers nodding enthusiastically in response when he asked if she had fun while he was away, realizing how much that could hurt him only when he flinched ever so slightly and opened his mouth to respond. She remembers her panic, hastily making it known that she would have much preferred a quiet evening with her captain than partying with her old friends.

It is the first time she remembers that there were times, indeed, where she did not have the option or the need for Aizen's presence. It is the first time she recognizes a difference between wanting Aizen and needing Aizen.

--------------------------------------

She realizes that she cannot stay here indefinitely, and wonders if the fact that Aizen is getting further away is an indication of her deteriorating physical state.

She wonders why no one has come to get her yet, why no one cares about her enough to come rescue her, why they have forgotten her, given up hope, written her off as lost forever.

She is disappointed in her friends, and she decides that she will wake because it is the only way she can think of to return to her captain's side. As she floats to the surface away from the comfortable darkness, she feels a sharp pain in her side and has vague recollections of a sword, eerily familiar, simultaneously piercing through her frail body and fragile heart.

When she wakes, there is no one there. There is nothing dramatic about the first time she opens her eyes after her extended sleep, no one to see her sit up and weakly rub her eyes, no one to pick up the blanket that falls to the floor as she experimentally swings her feet over the side of the bed.

She sits in the sterile room and feels empty, alone but very much alive. It is the first time she experiences self-reliance, although bitterness threatens to amplify the ache in her heart.

She extends her hand and Tobiume flies dutifully into her grasp. At least her zanpakutou has not deserted her. She smiles through her tears and idly fingers a smooth silk ribbon on Tobiume's hilt.

"Ano...", she says hoarsely, her vocal cords hurting from lack of exercise.

A fourth division officer comes running down the hall to peer into the room. "Hinamori-fukutaichou!" he exclaims. "You're...you're awake!" He turns around in a rush to inform his superior, but she stops him with an imploring look and a frail, outstretched hand.

"Please," she says. "How long have I been asleep?"

He pauses, unsure how much he is allowed to divulge. "Uh," he hedges. "A few weeks. You should probably speak to Unohana-taichou for an exact time."

She nods gratefully. "Thank you," she whispers, lying back on her cushions and turning her head to the side. She looks around the room, her eyes widening with a fathomless sadness as she inspects the room that she has imagined but never actually seen.

She takes in her surroundings for the first time since she woke. Her eyes turn to inspect the room, and she is surprised to see the hospital floor littered with confetti. The room is in a relative state of disarray, paper cups bearing familiar names littering the tables of the ordinarily impeccable fourth division. A cheerfully decorated banner bearing confusing messages hangs overhead, a carefully wrapped gift sits neglected in the corner, and she wonders what happened while she was asleep.

Her eyes fall upon a small cake sitting on the side of her bed, untouched and carefully inscribed with gentle artistry.

"Happy Birthday, Hinamori," reads a plaque carved out of ice that will not melt, and the chaos that earlier flooded her senses suddenly falls into place.

Her hand grips the silk ribbon in her hand, and no sound escapes her lips as a single tear slowly trickles down the side of her face.

--------------------------------------

She has been given time off duty, 'To recover from mental and physical strain,' it reads on her record, but they all know that it is a cover, a time for them to evaluate her fitness to continue as the 5th division vice-captain, for them to gauge whether or not she will move past her loyalty to Aizen and return to the capable Shinigami that she once was.

Hitsugaya has lead her friends on a mission in the real world, and she implores Yamamoto-sou-taichou to allow her to speak to him and voice her apologies for all the pain that she has caused him. The white-haired boy tiredly shrugs it off as if it were of no import, but his eyes shine a bright turquoise that not even the terrible reception of the communication screen can mask, and she knows that there is, at least, one person in the world that still cares about her.

No matter what they tell her, she cannot believe that her Aizen-taichou is the terrible person that they say he is, because they have never seen the sides of him that she has, they have never been held in his arms, never seen the look in his eyes, the true warmth of his unrestrained smile. There are so many levels of their relationship that no one but Aizen and her have shared, and no matter how much she forces herself to write off certain questionable events, there are so many inconsistencies that she cannot reconcile the Aizen only she has seen with the completely heartless manipulator that they would have her believe him to be.

She goes to speak to Kuchiki Rukia one day, and after an afternoon of pleading the other girl relents and tells her what Renji refused to recount, tells her Aizen's exact words, his rationale for having struck a would-be fatal blow to the only one loyal to him still.

She holds Aizen's word in one hand, the testimonies of her friends in the other and stays awake nights, trying to no avail to interpolate a story that would be consistent with both. Finally she collapses from exhaustion in the privacy of her living quarters, and wakes half a day later with no one by her side and nothing but a dilapidated alarm clock with her in the room.

Aizen is gone, her friends do not understand, and it is the first time she realizes that she needs to stop relying on others and stand fast on her own judgment.

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No matter how she paints the picture, her captain has left her. When she closes her eyes and blows out the proferred birthday candles with Matsumoto's help, it is with heartbreaking certainty that she knows Aizen will not be there when she reopens them. She wants to scream and cry and tear down the walls that hold her in, but the cheering and the hugs and effusive happiness that surrounds her is intoxicating, and she cannot ignore the reality that is around her now.

Her eyes turn to the flurry of activity taking place in front of her, her vision blurred by the rush of memories, feelings and realizations that overcome her all at once. Kira shuffles around the room like a man on a mission, handing out plates and party and favors and beaming like he never met Ichimaru-taichou at all. Hisagi has Renji pinned on the ground and is gloating as they continue to wrestle for rights to the last piece of cake, ignoring Hitsugaya's pointed comments about lovers and quarrels.

The sheer level of love and support that emanates from them as a collective are enough to show her that there is something worth living for after all, and she wipes away her tears and steels her will towards the future that she knows to be difficult, but correct.

She is ready now, but there is still something that must be done.

"Thank you, Aizen-taichou," she whispers when no one is listening, her entire being focused inwards towards the image of her captain that she continues to hold in her heart.

She does not see Hitsugaya watching her from across the room.

"Truly, thank you," she whispers again, shuddering from the emptiness he has left with his absence.

The line between the man she loved and the true Aizen Sousuke are still not entirely clear to her, but out of the corner of her eye she sees Hitsugaya walking towards her with an uncharacteristically open smile on his face, cradling two slices of birthday cake and a glass of orange juice carefully in his hands, and it is the first time since Aizen left that she knows anything to be absolutely true.

"Goodbye," she whispers, her final words to her captain, and with a resolute movement she swings her feet over the side of her bed and manages to return Hitsugaya's smile.


End file.
